Oprah A-ha Moment

I watched Oprah's webinar on Monday with Bob Greene. Most of the information was pretty redundant to me but one thing kinda stuck out.

Oprah kept saying the additional fat is about worth. If you are of worth and value then you won't be fat. Ok. I didn't agree at first, but thought it might apply to her or many others.

The next day at work it hit me: my family treats me as if I'm worthless. I grew up with the idea that I'm not of any value. This was demonstrated to me last Saturday when I saw my mom and my two sisters. For the duration of this event we were sitting around my mom's table and talking. Very early on my older sister started getting angry with me. I really don't know why she was angry, she didn't say. I didn't ask either. I was too taken aback by how outright rude and deliberately mean she was being to me. If I expressed an opinion she told me I was wrong, or diminished what I said by telling me it's only my opinion. She insulted my boyfriend by criticizing what he wears and wouldn't let up on it. I mentioned I have a yoga mat like the one my mom has, and my older sister went on an angry tirade asking me "is it thick?" over and over. Maybe I did something to piss her off, I have no idea, but she was mean to me the whole time. I was grateful to leave and pleased she was getting on a flight to go home the next day.

I didn't know how to deal with her at the time (still don't, really) because I know from experience that if I call her out on her behaviour then the others would tell me to calm down and stop overreacting. What I was waiting for (and didn't realize until later) was for my mom or younger sister to back me up. Or even just chime in and say to my older sister that she's out of line. Or even try to change the topic to get the focus off of me. Instead they sat and stared. Aren't I worth someone telling someone else to stop being rude to me?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized this was how our mom raised us. I don't ever remember her telling one of us to stop being rude or to just stop the poor behaviour. When we were children my older sister would take the Saturday comics right out from under my nose while I was still reading them. Then she would read them and just leave them on the table instead of giving them back to me. When I would tell my mom on her, my mom would just shrug. We all knew this older sister was difficult and, well, kinda bitchy, but why did my mom do nothing? Anyway, on Saturday I was using a knife to cut my apple. I cut it into quarters then would eat one quarter before cutting the core out of the next quarter. During my munching, my older sister reached over, took the knife and started cutting her own apple. I was still using the knife, why didn't she get another one? Or even ask to use mine? Why didn't my mom (it was her home) get up and get more knives?

I was aware of the poor behaviour during the event and wondered why I didn't do anything about it. I had been thinking of it in the back of my mind since then so when Oprah talked about worth I connected my worth to the events that transpired.

It's possible that my mom simply didn't/doesn't know better. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Paranoid Disorder. These were diagnosed only in the last eight years.

The other element to this is that my family walks around on eggshells with my older sister. Partly because she really was mostly bitchy, angry, resentful, haughty, inconsiderate and mean while she was growing up. Seriously. Part of that was because she was put on anti-seizure medication and those were some of the side effects. The other reason my family continues to tread lightly with her is because she has stage four breast cancer. Should a terminal illness be a free pass to bad behaviour?

I need to figure out how to make myself feel worthy while at the same time maintain some connection with my family. Although they are turning out to me toxic.