Welcome

Here I am at the start of another year and wanting to lose weight. Again.

Some history on me:
My first thoughts of being fat were when I was 12 years old. Yep, that's 26 years of wishing I was thinner. I was in grade six and noticed I was curvier than the other girls. I wasn't fat exactly...I just didn't have the shape that was popular. And I was shorter than everyone else. I would look at the taller girls and think that if I could just stretch out my body then I'd be ok. My bones are wide but not long. And no, I'm not saying this as an excuse why I'm not thin :) I have been looking at other people's bone structure for 26 years and I do see that I have heavy, wide bones. This is ok as they are also stronger than most. They are not fragile or delicate. I have good farm stock bones. But I feel like I look stocky and squat instead of graceful and willowy.

I have gradually gained weight over the years and reached my top weight of 169lbs at the end of 2007. Right now I weigh 152lbs, so that's better, but before the whole holiday/family season I was getting to 147lbs and feeling more in control of myself. Now I feel like I'm eating unconsciously or fighting an addiction.

Ah, addiction. 13 years ago my family all wanted to lose weight and formed a group. We followed a book called Diets Don't Work and it was the first time I was introduced to the idea of emotional eating. I dropped 45lbs with barely a thought! Then I got pregnant and sick with my gall bladder. By the time I had surgery to remove the gall bladder it was nine months after my baby was born. When I found I could eat without pain, I ate. And ate. And ate. It was like I was on auto-pilot with food. On top of that, by then I had two small children and was in a bad marriage so I put dieting at the bottom of the list.

Eight years after my gall bladder removal my marriage broke up. I lost 15lbs without even blinking an eye! I felt confidant and finally in control of my life. I kept steadily losing little bits of weight until my boyfriend moved in with me two years ago. I went from 133lbs to 169lbs in seven months. For the first time in my life, I couldn't properly reach around to clean myself after using the bathroom. How humiliating. I know these weights don't seem huge - but remember I'm under five feet tall.

I found Martha Beck's book during the summer of 2008 and dug right in. Again, the issue of emotional eating was the core of the book. I now understand that I need to re-wire my brain. I have been using food to comfort myself and it's time to stop.

I will probably re-read her book, but for now I'll make the little changes of:

1. enjoying every bite of food, no more eating unconsciously
2. reminding myself that I'm looking for comfort if I'm eating when I'm not hungry
3. moving more - even if it's just a little bit

I can do this. I can make the changes in my life to finally be free of the addiction of overeating. It is possible.