Well, I've stopped counting my calories for now and stopped making my daymaps. I was getting to the point of being stressed out over what I eat, how much I eat, and when I eat that I thought it would be good to stop tracking for a while. Maybe it'll be good, maybe not. I know that when I don't pay attention I eat more, but hopefully I can regain the thinking I had when I lost all the weight after the book Diets Don't Work. Somehow I had managed to stop filling any emptiness with food at that time, and that's what I hope to regain.
Martha Beck writes and article for O Magazine every month and this month the subject was....weight loss! She mentioned her book The Four Day Win and also gave some additional strategies for dealing with food. She calls it the "So Far" Technique. Very briefly, it goes like this: S is for stop - whenever you are anxious you just stop for a second. O is for open - open yourself up. F is for forgive - forgive yourself and think of things you and your body have done right. A is for accept - drop all resistance to things as they are right now. R is for renew - renew your commitment to any eating plan you like. This is the first article I have ever torn out of a magazine and kept. I refer back to it frequently and have been practicing her technique. Well, in stages.
First I just learned to be aware of when I am feeling anxious, upset, or stressed. That was a bit deal for me. Now I can feel it around my eyes and mouth where I tense up a lot. Consciously opening up and relaxing was the next stage for me and I picked up on that one very quickly. The forgiveness part took the longest. Sometimes it's hard to remember what my body has done well and think of things that I have succeeded at. The accepting stage I've only just started on. It's a bit odd to think of just giving up my resistance to the world. I have fought my weight for so long that it's just become my way of existing. But to just give up and accept that things are as they are...that's new. So I haven't gotten to the renew stage yet, but I will.
I want my life to stop being about weight loss. I want to just live and enjoy myself and feel good in my body. There have been times in my past that I've felt that way and it was so freeing. There have been some small changes so far, like not caring what size I wear for the moment or not overeating when I have the opportunity. I would like these small changes to become permanent and get out of this rut I've put myself in. Food is not comfort, it is fuel. That's what I feel like I need to remember.
Showing posts with label Martha Beck. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Martha Beck. Show all posts
Friday, May 29, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Calorie counting for the first time
Well, I've been trying something new lately. I've been counting my calorie intake for the day.
I had never done this before, every weight loss effort has been strictly to stay away from calorie counting. I've kept track of portions according to the Food Guide, I've written down everything I've eaten, I've checked my intake against Weight Watcher's points program (average of 55 points in a day - eek!). But I've never actually counted a single calorie. Maybe because that felt too much like a real diet.
Now that I've kept track for a few days I can see why I haven't lost any weight. My intake has been an average of 2550 calories a day. Eeep! I do have a job where I'm moving a lot and lifting a lot. I'd like to say I've been on the elliptical a lot....but I haven't. Maybe twice a week. I haven't quite gotten back into yoga either although I want to. So now I know that in order to maintain my weight of 147 lbs I need to take in 2550 calories. Sigh.
The hard part is not beating myself up every time I see how much I've eaten. My mind keeps telling me that I'll always be fat, that I'll never lose any weight, that I'm stupid to keep eating chocolate, that I need to control myself and that I'm a failure. I know these things aren't true but the thoughts sneak in when I'm not paying attention.
I keep thinking back to 1995 and the Chubby Club. I had lost weight easily and slowly. Every time I would go to eat something I would ask myself if I'm really hungry for it. I was able to turn away from food and go do something else almost every time. I felt good and I looked good. I think one of the reasons I was so successful is that my ex husband (not ex at the time) was never around. He had a job working nights I think so he slept most of the day away. Then he wasn't around all evening so I could choose what I wanted to eat and when. And I didn't feel like anyone was distracting me.
Ooooh - that's a main point! I feel distracted with other people around me so I eat more - every time! At my break at work or at home with my boyfriend. I will eat more if I have other people around me. But I can't make everyone go away...sometimes that would be nice, but I know I'd be lonely. So...how do I do it? At work I can take my breaks alone, I've been doing that some days and I like it. But at home? How do I stop eating or stay aware of eating? It was easy when there were no distractions. Back in 1995 I had only my older son around and he was a toddler so I didn't feel as distracted by him.
I stopped paying attention to my eating when I got pregnant again in late 95/early 96. I was sick all day every day so I had to eat all the time and hope everything stayed down (it didn't, I threw up a lot). Then after my younger son was born I had forgotten how to stay aware of my eating.
It's time for me to remember how to do that, how to not give in to the temptation to eat when I'm not hungry. How to congradulate myself instead of insult myself. How to eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm almost full. I know I can do it, I just need to remember how. Time to go read Martha Beck some more.
I had never done this before, every weight loss effort has been strictly to stay away from calorie counting. I've kept track of portions according to the Food Guide, I've written down everything I've eaten, I've checked my intake against Weight Watcher's points program (average of 55 points in a day - eek!). But I've never actually counted a single calorie. Maybe because that felt too much like a real diet.
Now that I've kept track for a few days I can see why I haven't lost any weight. My intake has been an average of 2550 calories a day. Eeep! I do have a job where I'm moving a lot and lifting a lot. I'd like to say I've been on the elliptical a lot....but I haven't. Maybe twice a week. I haven't quite gotten back into yoga either although I want to. So now I know that in order to maintain my weight of 147 lbs I need to take in 2550 calories. Sigh.
The hard part is not beating myself up every time I see how much I've eaten. My mind keeps telling me that I'll always be fat, that I'll never lose any weight, that I'm stupid to keep eating chocolate, that I need to control myself and that I'm a failure. I know these things aren't true but the thoughts sneak in when I'm not paying attention.
I keep thinking back to 1995 and the Chubby Club. I had lost weight easily and slowly. Every time I would go to eat something I would ask myself if I'm really hungry for it. I was able to turn away from food and go do something else almost every time. I felt good and I looked good. I think one of the reasons I was so successful is that my ex husband (not ex at the time) was never around. He had a job working nights I think so he slept most of the day away. Then he wasn't around all evening so I could choose what I wanted to eat and when. And I didn't feel like anyone was distracting me.
Ooooh - that's a main point! I feel distracted with other people around me so I eat more - every time! At my break at work or at home with my boyfriend. I will eat more if I have other people around me. But I can't make everyone go away...sometimes that would be nice, but I know I'd be lonely. So...how do I do it? At work I can take my breaks alone, I've been doing that some days and I like it. But at home? How do I stop eating or stay aware of eating? It was easy when there were no distractions. Back in 1995 I had only my older son around and he was a toddler so I didn't feel as distracted by him.
I stopped paying attention to my eating when I got pregnant again in late 95/early 96. I was sick all day every day so I had to eat all the time and hope everything stayed down (it didn't, I threw up a lot). Then after my younger son was born I had forgotten how to stay aware of my eating.
It's time for me to remember how to do that, how to not give in to the temptation to eat when I'm not hungry. How to congradulate myself instead of insult myself. How to eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm almost full. I know I can do it, I just need to remember how. Time to go read Martha Beck some more.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Weight loss plan
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about what kind of weight loss plan I want to follow. The 4 Day Win is helping to teach me strategies on how to stop eating for emotional reasons, but I still feel like I need some sort of plan to follow in order to be successful.
One thing that has me thinking is the idea that the way I deal with my finances is similar to the way I deal with my weight. Both subjects involve unconscious behaviour, both can be out of control and both relate to my emotions.
Three months ago I started a new budget plan that has been successful so far. I took a minute to note what was successful with my budget and came up with:
- I made a budget plan that is realistic and reasonable
- I recognized two weak spots and dealt with them right away, they were 1) get the credit cards out of my wallet so I can't purchase things on impulse and 2) always have a list when I go out and only buy what is on the list and nothing else
- I set up a blog about my finances (I'll link it another time) and have been honest about all entries. This helps keep me honest in daily spending, I know I have to report it so I keep myself in check.
- and I saw results almost immediately. I had set the budget up that if there is any money not budgeted or in excess of what I budgeted then it goes into the savings account immediately. That way I can see the savings build, literally by the penny.
So if all this worked for my budget...would it work for my weight? The single most successful thing I've done to lose weight in the past (successful? but I've gained weight since and never kept it off...anyway, I was able to lose weight) is concentrate on only eating for hunger. This concept was first introduced to me in 1995 with my family's Chubby Club. When I started I would ask myself if I was hungry before I ate. Every single time. And it worked. I lost 40 lbs without any major stress. I would just remind myself that eating is only for when I'm hungry and I would do my best to eat only what I was hungry for. But then I got pregnant and wasn't able to eat very well (I was sick every day of the pregnancy) and then my gall bladder came out nine months after the baby was born. Without the gall bladder I found food didn't hurt and I forgot to make sure I was actually hungry with each mouthful.
Then my ex left and I ate only when I was hungry. I lost 10 lbs without even thinking about it. I remember wondering why my underwear was so big - did it stretch in the laundry? - and why my bra had baggy cups. I weighed myself and found I'd lost weight without intending to. I was happier with my ex gone and had no reason to eat my emotions.
Ok, here we are now. I weigh 146 lbs which is close to what I'd weighed when my ex left. My heaviest was 169 lbs at Christmas '07, so I've lost a total of 23 lbs so far. That's excellent to me :) But I still want to get past this unconscious emotional eating thing. I'm tired of remembering after I eat to eat only when I'm hungry.
What I've come up with so far is to continue with mediation every day. Keep my head as level as I can. Also, I have been remembering to go to the place of the Watcher right before I eat. Sort of like saying Grace first. That way I can focus on what I'm putting in my mouth and how full I feel with each bite.
As a side note: I did the Watcher this morning with breakfast and felt almost full and satisfied after one packet of oatmeal and a half an apple. Then I went out to run errands and ate at Tim Horton's. I was starting to get really hungry but I knew not to order a whole whack of food. Instead I ordered one of their new snack wraps and a water. I ate the snack wrap while practicing being the Watcher. No problem. But as soon as I was done I craved more food! I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to eat more! I ate in my car because the restaurant was busy, but I knew if I'd been in the restaurant I'd've ordered some donuts or cookies. So why did I feel like eating after I was done eating? Every time I licked my lips I could taste the salt and the water quenched my thirst but not my craving to eat. It was so odd. I went on the rest of my errands and constantly thought about eating. My last stop was Safeway for milk and I sought out the Cadbury mini creme eggs and bought a big bag. When I got home I had six of them. Without being the Watcher or paying attention to how they make me feel. And now the craving to eat is gone. So, why didn't I want to eat after the oatmeal and apple? Why only after Tim Horton's? This is something I definitely need to keep an eye on.
Anyway, I will do my best to remember to be the Watcher every time I eat. That way I'm eating consciously and I'm questioning whether or not I'm hungry with each bite. This has worked before, but I didn't keep it up. I will also continue with meditation every day to teach my body that I will not hurt it and instead nurture it. That way my body will behave less like prey around my preditor brain.
I understand now that there is no temporary diet solution, it is a permanent battle (?) that I'm going to have to face. It's not like when I quit smoking and I was able to stay out of places that were smoking (everywhere is non-smoking now, I love that!) in order to help deal with the cravings. I have to eat. I must keep my body running. So I must be mindful every day, every time I eat, for the rest of my life so I don't become morbidly obese. Again.
One thing that has me thinking is the idea that the way I deal with my finances is similar to the way I deal with my weight. Both subjects involve unconscious behaviour, both can be out of control and both relate to my emotions.
Three months ago I started a new budget plan that has been successful so far. I took a minute to note what was successful with my budget and came up with:
- I made a budget plan that is realistic and reasonable
- I recognized two weak spots and dealt with them right away, they were 1) get the credit cards out of my wallet so I can't purchase things on impulse and 2) always have a list when I go out and only buy what is on the list and nothing else
- I set up a blog about my finances (I'll link it another time) and have been honest about all entries. This helps keep me honest in daily spending, I know I have to report it so I keep myself in check.
- and I saw results almost immediately. I had set the budget up that if there is any money not budgeted or in excess of what I budgeted then it goes into the savings account immediately. That way I can see the savings build, literally by the penny.
So if all this worked for my budget...would it work for my weight? The single most successful thing I've done to lose weight in the past (successful? but I've gained weight since and never kept it off...anyway, I was able to lose weight) is concentrate on only eating for hunger. This concept was first introduced to me in 1995 with my family's Chubby Club. When I started I would ask myself if I was hungry before I ate. Every single time. And it worked. I lost 40 lbs without any major stress. I would just remind myself that eating is only for when I'm hungry and I would do my best to eat only what I was hungry for. But then I got pregnant and wasn't able to eat very well (I was sick every day of the pregnancy) and then my gall bladder came out nine months after the baby was born. Without the gall bladder I found food didn't hurt and I forgot to make sure I was actually hungry with each mouthful.
Then my ex left and I ate only when I was hungry. I lost 10 lbs without even thinking about it. I remember wondering why my underwear was so big - did it stretch in the laundry? - and why my bra had baggy cups. I weighed myself and found I'd lost weight without intending to. I was happier with my ex gone and had no reason to eat my emotions.
Ok, here we are now. I weigh 146 lbs which is close to what I'd weighed when my ex left. My heaviest was 169 lbs at Christmas '07, so I've lost a total of 23 lbs so far. That's excellent to me :) But I still want to get past this unconscious emotional eating thing. I'm tired of remembering after I eat to eat only when I'm hungry.
What I've come up with so far is to continue with mediation every day. Keep my head as level as I can. Also, I have been remembering to go to the place of the Watcher right before I eat. Sort of like saying Grace first. That way I can focus on what I'm putting in my mouth and how full I feel with each bite.
As a side note: I did the Watcher this morning with breakfast and felt almost full and satisfied after one packet of oatmeal and a half an apple. Then I went out to run errands and ate at Tim Horton's. I was starting to get really hungry but I knew not to order a whole whack of food. Instead I ordered one of their new snack wraps and a water. I ate the snack wrap while practicing being the Watcher. No problem. But as soon as I was done I craved more food! I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to eat more! I ate in my car because the restaurant was busy, but I knew if I'd been in the restaurant I'd've ordered some donuts or cookies. So why did I feel like eating after I was done eating? Every time I licked my lips I could taste the salt and the water quenched my thirst but not my craving to eat. It was so odd. I went on the rest of my errands and constantly thought about eating. My last stop was Safeway for milk and I sought out the Cadbury mini creme eggs and bought a big bag. When I got home I had six of them. Without being the Watcher or paying attention to how they make me feel. And now the craving to eat is gone. So, why didn't I want to eat after the oatmeal and apple? Why only after Tim Horton's? This is something I definitely need to keep an eye on.
Anyway, I will do my best to remember to be the Watcher every time I eat. That way I'm eating consciously and I'm questioning whether or not I'm hungry with each bite. This has worked before, but I didn't keep it up. I will also continue with meditation every day to teach my body that I will not hurt it and instead nurture it. That way my body will behave less like prey around my preditor brain.
I understand now that there is no temporary diet solution, it is a permanent battle (?) that I'm going to have to face. It's not like when I quit smoking and I was able to stay out of places that were smoking (everywhere is non-smoking now, I love that!) in order to help deal with the cravings. I have to eat. I must keep my body running. So I must be mindful every day, every time I eat, for the rest of my life so I don't become morbidly obese. Again.
Friday, March 6, 2009
I only crave it if I know it's around
I seem to be stuck here at 147 lbs. This was about the weight I was four years ago when my marriage broke up...and then I lost about 15 lbs without even trying. That's when I realized how truly unhappy I was in the marriage and how freed I felt when my ex left. Now here I am, back at 147 lbs. And really, overall I've lost 29 lbs since January 2008 when I was my heaviest at 169 lbs. Which is really good - I just feel stalled.
I haven't read much more of the 4 Day Win lately either. I've been avoiding being The Watcher and I don't want to move on in the book until I've actually mastered (or at least done for 4 days) each step. Since this one is vital to succeeding in weight loss I want to take my time at it. One other thing I've been reminding myself to do is tell myself that it is only a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to want to eat when I'm not hungry. Most of the time I remember but sometimes it slips by me and I eat anyway.
Like the other day I was at Safeway buying supper stuff and came upon the chocolate eggs. Ok, I actually sought out the aisle with the chocolate eggs. Anyway, I bought a bag and took them home and put them in a bowl. Then I sat at the computer and ate about ten before I realized I really didn't want them. And I didn't want them when I first saw them either. So why did I buy them? Habit. Emotional eating.
Well, today my son came home with a chocolate bar and I asked for a bit of it. He gave me one finger of the Kit Kat and I took a bite before remembering not to eat if I'm not hungry. So I threw the rest of it in the garbage. I didn't want it anyway...I only wanted it after I saw it.
And that is one part of Martha Beck's book that I remember disagreeing with a bit. She says to keep all your favorite 'forbidden' foods around so that you don't create a sense of deprivation. Ok, I can see that. But if I see it I eat it on autopilot. If I don't see it I won't necessarily crave it. And if it's not in the house then I have to think harder about the craving, so instead of just going to the cupboard and taking a stack of cookies, I need to really think about whether I want the cookies for hunger or emotion. And then I have to go out and buy them. At the moment there are no cookies, candies, chocolate or treats in the house and I don't feel deprived at all. I know I can just run out to the corner store and buy whatever I want pretty much whenever I want.
Maybe that's what I need to do: stop stocking the house with goodies for a while. Just keep them out altogether until I feel more like I've mastered being The Watcher and paying attention to hunger/emotional hunger. As soon as I crave them, I'll just tell myself it's only a chemical imbalance causing the craving and not hunger. It has worked a bit so far...maybe it'll work better if I keep at it.
I haven't read much more of the 4 Day Win lately either. I've been avoiding being The Watcher and I don't want to move on in the book until I've actually mastered (or at least done for 4 days) each step. Since this one is vital to succeeding in weight loss I want to take my time at it. One other thing I've been reminding myself to do is tell myself that it is only a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to want to eat when I'm not hungry. Most of the time I remember but sometimes it slips by me and I eat anyway.
Like the other day I was at Safeway buying supper stuff and came upon the chocolate eggs. Ok, I actually sought out the aisle with the chocolate eggs. Anyway, I bought a bag and took them home and put them in a bowl. Then I sat at the computer and ate about ten before I realized I really didn't want them. And I didn't want them when I first saw them either. So why did I buy them? Habit. Emotional eating.
Well, today my son came home with a chocolate bar and I asked for a bit of it. He gave me one finger of the Kit Kat and I took a bite before remembering not to eat if I'm not hungry. So I threw the rest of it in the garbage. I didn't want it anyway...I only wanted it after I saw it.
And that is one part of Martha Beck's book that I remember disagreeing with a bit. She says to keep all your favorite 'forbidden' foods around so that you don't create a sense of deprivation. Ok, I can see that. But if I see it I eat it on autopilot. If I don't see it I won't necessarily crave it. And if it's not in the house then I have to think harder about the craving, so instead of just going to the cupboard and taking a stack of cookies, I need to really think about whether I want the cookies for hunger or emotion. And then I have to go out and buy them. At the moment there are no cookies, candies, chocolate or treats in the house and I don't feel deprived at all. I know I can just run out to the corner store and buy whatever I want pretty much whenever I want.
Maybe that's what I need to do: stop stocking the house with goodies for a while. Just keep them out altogether until I feel more like I've mastered being The Watcher and paying attention to hunger/emotional hunger. As soon as I crave them, I'll just tell myself it's only a chemical imbalance causing the craving and not hunger. It has worked a bit so far...maybe it'll work better if I keep at it.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Excuses, excuses
I was doing very well with cutting out little bits of my evening ritual snack but haven't exactly ended it yet. I don't have cookies every day any more but I still have the hot chocolate in the evening. I keep wanting to read more of the book as well but I just haven't made the time for it lately. So far I'm up to the part about being the Watcher. I did it once and haven't since, again, I just haven't made time for it lately.
I'm so far off track now. I haven't been reading the book or doing the exercises in it, I haven't been working out at all, I haven't adjusted my eating (except to stop the eating habit after supper), I haven't found the time/energy to practice yoga. At the moment I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about not getting things done. It doesn't matter how fast I go, just keep going, right? So I'll keep on going.
I did weigh myself and I've gained a pound from my last weigh-in. I'm now 147 lbs. Again. But at least my inaction isn't causing me to gain huge amounts of weight. But boy am I tired of tight waistbands and rolls of fat.
I'm so far off track now. I haven't been reading the book or doing the exercises in it, I haven't been working out at all, I haven't adjusted my eating (except to stop the eating habit after supper), I haven't found the time/energy to practice yoga. At the moment I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about not getting things done. It doesn't matter how fast I go, just keep going, right? So I'll keep on going.
I did weigh myself and I've gained a pound from my last weigh-in. I'm now 147 lbs. Again. But at least my inaction isn't causing me to gain huge amounts of weight. But boy am I tired of tight waistbands and rolls of fat.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Rewards
I've gotten to the first four day win in Martha Beck's book. This is the one that explains how to take a goal (getting rid of ritual eating) and breaking it down into managable chunks (eating a tiny bit less during the ritual). The little chunks should be so easy that you roll your eyes and say 'of course I can do that'. This helps to teach the idea that big goals can be accomplished but in little steps.
So I recognized that part of my problem is ritual eating, especially after supper. My original thought was to completely eliminate the ritual of having something to eat in front of the tv after supper, but then I broke it down to eating one less cookie during the ritual for four days. I will decrease the cookies until there are none, and consider either stopping the hot chocolate or replacing it with decaf tea. I can easily do that. Well, the cookie part anyway.
The problem is the rewards. I am supposed to reward myself each day that I complete the win with a little reward, then after four days a slightly bigger reward. You know, reinforce the good behaviour. I have no idea what to reward myself with. Not a clue. There really is nothing that I deny myself so I don't know how to reward myself. If I want to watch a tv show I will. If I want to play a game on the computer, I will. If I want to shop, I will.
Money could be the reward, but that gets a bit sticky. Right now my boyfriend and I are watching every penny that comes in, in an effort to curb our spending and learn to save. We have a fair bit of debt ($18,000 - mostly credit cards) and are on a payment plan to get rid of it in less than two years. We receive an allowance that we can each spend freely, so I have money to play with whenever I want. To take money out of our strict budget would make me uncomfortable, just because I want to follow our budget plan. We actually have a blog about it, someday I'll link it to this one, but not today :)
The other thing I can do as a reward is to leave work early, but I do anyway when I feel like I want some quiet time in the house. So what can I do to reward myself without using food that I don't do already? I just have no idea. The only thing I could think of to get me started was to mentally pat myself on the back in congratulations of completing the win. So I've been doing that for the last three days when I took one less cookie. I don't even notice the one less cookie, btw. I just eat the other three slower.
So I recognized that part of my problem is ritual eating, especially after supper. My original thought was to completely eliminate the ritual of having something to eat in front of the tv after supper, but then I broke it down to eating one less cookie during the ritual for four days. I will decrease the cookies until there are none, and consider either stopping the hot chocolate or replacing it with decaf tea. I can easily do that. Well, the cookie part anyway.
The problem is the rewards. I am supposed to reward myself each day that I complete the win with a little reward, then after four days a slightly bigger reward. You know, reinforce the good behaviour. I have no idea what to reward myself with. Not a clue. There really is nothing that I deny myself so I don't know how to reward myself. If I want to watch a tv show I will. If I want to play a game on the computer, I will. If I want to shop, I will.
Money could be the reward, but that gets a bit sticky. Right now my boyfriend and I are watching every penny that comes in, in an effort to curb our spending and learn to save. We have a fair bit of debt ($18,000 - mostly credit cards) and are on a payment plan to get rid of it in less than two years. We receive an allowance that we can each spend freely, so I have money to play with whenever I want. To take money out of our strict budget would make me uncomfortable, just because I want to follow our budget plan. We actually have a blog about it, someday I'll link it to this one, but not today :)
The other thing I can do as a reward is to leave work early, but I do anyway when I feel like I want some quiet time in the house. So what can I do to reward myself without using food that I don't do already? I just have no idea. The only thing I could think of to get me started was to mentally pat myself on the back in congratulations of completing the win. So I've been doing that for the last three days when I took one less cookie. I don't even notice the one less cookie, btw. I just eat the other three slower.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Starting Martha Beck's book again
I've started reading Martha Beck's book The Four Day Win again. I had read it before and (mostly) did all the exercises in it. I must have really enjoyed the book because so far I remember everything I'm reading - there is nothing new or forgotten. The reason I decided to read it again is so that I can see if I can actually stop eating emotionally. Even after doing the exercises I still eat unconsciously or by habit.
There were two sections of the book that I had the most difficulty with. The first one was Thick Memories. These are memories that bring you joy. What you do is think of the memory and write down every possible detail of it. In doing this, you are supposed to remember the feeling of joy and bring joy to the surface when you crave emotional eating. Ok. But. I just couldn't find that many memories. I didn't have a horrible childhood or anything, it was ok. But I couldn't put myself in the place of feeling joy over a memory. And for the very few that I could, I was unable to fully remember it and get it written down.
I suspect this problem is partly that I live in the moment. There are things that bring me joy, but no one particular memory of them. Like the scent of dew on spring grass at dawn. There is no one morning that I can remember, but the idea of dew brings me peace. So what I may do when I reach that section of the book is change things a bit. Instead of coming up with specific memories, I'll use the images/scents that give me joy. I will describe them in as much detail as I can and call up those images instead of memories. Will it work? Hope so, better than not doing anything.
The other stumbling block was when Martha Beck spoke about Rat Park and Rat Trap. At the time I felt like I was living in a Trap but didn't want to get out. I love my boyfriend but at the time I was feeling smothered. I felt watched constantly. I was actually having fantasies about running away or finding excuses to break up with him. Right around this time I hit an all-time low with it and told my boyfriend how I felt. Well, I'd told him before but he didn't seem to hear me. Playing a bit on his abandonment issues helped him to see how serious I was. I told him that we have two bathrooms - there was absolutely no need for him to ever, not ever, come into the bathroom while I'm in there. Surprisingly, that made a huge change. I had no idea that privacy was so important to me. Actually, yes I did, but I never even thought that I would need to spell it out for someone. I just assumed I'd have to become accustomed to living the way he wants to - with little or no privacy at all.
So now my life is more of a Rat Park and I can call up images of joy. But I still feel a bit like I should go through the exercises in the book again to get it all straight in my mind. I may post about each exercise in the book, I may not. I know better than to lock myself into something like that :) Oh - one other thing about me...I have rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. So as much as I want to say I'll record every step in my journey I know I'll hit a Down and not be able to do it coherently. But can say I'll do my best, and that my best is different every day.
One thing I definitely took note of was that I eat by ritual. Every night after supper I sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and (at the moment) four cookies. It used to be a chocolate bar and no hot chocolate. Sometimes it's just candy and no chocolate. But this is the hardest routine to break. I like the routine and don't really want to give it up at all. I like routines in general and I love structure and ritual. My life is run by ritual or I'd never get anything done. If I don't complete this ritual of hot chocolate and cookies I feel like my evening can't begin. That may sound silly, but it's true.
So how do I break rituals? This one is enjoyable but bad for me. Maybe one cookie instead of four? Maybe tea instead of hot chocolate? Maybe read the book some more so I don't experience panic when I think of these things?
I did manage to give up this whole ritual about three years ago. I went through a separation (and later, a divorce) and during this time I decided that I didn't need a chocolate bar every day. I simply stopped eating after supper. Every time I craved food I just reminded myself that supper was done and that I would eat in the morning when I was hungry again. There were days that were difficult, but I got through them. I lost a bunch of weight and felt good about myself and confidant.
Then I started dating. I met my boyfriend and within six months he was living with my two sons and I. Without being completely aware of it, I started having chocolate again to help make me feel at ease. It became a ritual very quickly. Even when I would ask myself why I was eating the chocolate I would push the thoughts away and eat more.
What I feel like I need is an extended time alone. Like a month. That way I can get my thinking straight without another person's influence. Sticky thing though is that I have two boys - 12 and 14. They are not going anywhere anytime soon. So I have to learn to make life adjustments with them around. That's not too hard, but what it hard is my boyfriend. I don't know why, but it is. Like somehow I'm not allowed to change anything as long as he's here. This isn't something I'm picking up from him, I felt this way with my ex and when I lived with my parents. The only time I ever felt really secure about myself was the year in between my separation and meeting my boyfriend. I did things just for me and my boys and I loved it. But I was also lonely after a while.
So I need to learn how to change for the better without fear from my partner. And he would be supportive - no doubt. It's me that needs to see things differently.
There were two sections of the book that I had the most difficulty with. The first one was Thick Memories. These are memories that bring you joy. What you do is think of the memory and write down every possible detail of it. In doing this, you are supposed to remember the feeling of joy and bring joy to the surface when you crave emotional eating. Ok. But. I just couldn't find that many memories. I didn't have a horrible childhood or anything, it was ok. But I couldn't put myself in the place of feeling joy over a memory. And for the very few that I could, I was unable to fully remember it and get it written down.
I suspect this problem is partly that I live in the moment. There are things that bring me joy, but no one particular memory of them. Like the scent of dew on spring grass at dawn. There is no one morning that I can remember, but the idea of dew brings me peace. So what I may do when I reach that section of the book is change things a bit. Instead of coming up with specific memories, I'll use the images/scents that give me joy. I will describe them in as much detail as I can and call up those images instead of memories. Will it work? Hope so, better than not doing anything.
The other stumbling block was when Martha Beck spoke about Rat Park and Rat Trap. At the time I felt like I was living in a Trap but didn't want to get out. I love my boyfriend but at the time I was feeling smothered. I felt watched constantly. I was actually having fantasies about running away or finding excuses to break up with him. Right around this time I hit an all-time low with it and told my boyfriend how I felt. Well, I'd told him before but he didn't seem to hear me. Playing a bit on his abandonment issues helped him to see how serious I was. I told him that we have two bathrooms - there was absolutely no need for him to ever, not ever, come into the bathroom while I'm in there. Surprisingly, that made a huge change. I had no idea that privacy was so important to me. Actually, yes I did, but I never even thought that I would need to spell it out for someone. I just assumed I'd have to become accustomed to living the way he wants to - with little or no privacy at all.
So now my life is more of a Rat Park and I can call up images of joy. But I still feel a bit like I should go through the exercises in the book again to get it all straight in my mind. I may post about each exercise in the book, I may not. I know better than to lock myself into something like that :) Oh - one other thing about me...I have rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. So as much as I want to say I'll record every step in my journey I know I'll hit a Down and not be able to do it coherently. But can say I'll do my best, and that my best is different every day.
One thing I definitely took note of was that I eat by ritual. Every night after supper I sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and (at the moment) four cookies. It used to be a chocolate bar and no hot chocolate. Sometimes it's just candy and no chocolate. But this is the hardest routine to break. I like the routine and don't really want to give it up at all. I like routines in general and I love structure and ritual. My life is run by ritual or I'd never get anything done. If I don't complete this ritual of hot chocolate and cookies I feel like my evening can't begin. That may sound silly, but it's true.
So how do I break rituals? This one is enjoyable but bad for me. Maybe one cookie instead of four? Maybe tea instead of hot chocolate? Maybe read the book some more so I don't experience panic when I think of these things?
I did manage to give up this whole ritual about three years ago. I went through a separation (and later, a divorce) and during this time I decided that I didn't need a chocolate bar every day. I simply stopped eating after supper. Every time I craved food I just reminded myself that supper was done and that I would eat in the morning when I was hungry again. There were days that were difficult, but I got through them. I lost a bunch of weight and felt good about myself and confidant.
Then I started dating. I met my boyfriend and within six months he was living with my two sons and I. Without being completely aware of it, I started having chocolate again to help make me feel at ease. It became a ritual very quickly. Even when I would ask myself why I was eating the chocolate I would push the thoughts away and eat more.
What I feel like I need is an extended time alone. Like a month. That way I can get my thinking straight without another person's influence. Sticky thing though is that I have two boys - 12 and 14. They are not going anywhere anytime soon. So I have to learn to make life adjustments with them around. That's not too hard, but what it hard is my boyfriend. I don't know why, but it is. Like somehow I'm not allowed to change anything as long as he's here. This isn't something I'm picking up from him, I felt this way with my ex and when I lived with my parents. The only time I ever felt really secure about myself was the year in between my separation and meeting my boyfriend. I did things just for me and my boys and I loved it. But I was also lonely after a while.
So I need to learn how to change for the better without fear from my partner. And he would be supportive - no doubt. It's me that needs to see things differently.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Emotional Eating
I've been doing ok at work this week. I have taken my breaks alone a couple of times already and it was good. Not great, but good.
I've been very good about getting on the elliptical lately, except today. I was in a good mood when I got home from work. All day I'd planned to use the elliptical right after work, keep the rhythm going, you know? Anyway, I was on it for less than ten minutes when my cell phone rang. A friend of mine is going through a separation and as much as I want to help her out, I really wanted to finish my exercise and indulge in some time to myself. So I ignored the call at the time (I called her back after my shower and talked to her until the kids got home from school.) and kept striding away. Then I looked out my window and saw my landlord's car pull up. Well that was just enough for me. I got off the machine and went into the shower. I really missed the full workout though. I didn't realize how much I was liking it until I took it away from myself. Sometimes I want to hide in my own house to keep people away.
I was reading on the Internet somewhere that weight loss is a simple idea often made difficult. The article went on to say that calories are just calories, they are all equal. After everything else that has been said about good and bad calories, this is a refreshing viewpoint for me. I have no idea if it's true or not. I don't know if there are bad calories or good ones, but I do know that my body needs calories to function every day. So if I make good food choices like less prepackaged and processed stuff and more fresh stuff then I should be ok. If I eat less and move more then I should lose weight. It's just the emotional eating that's got me stumped for now.
I used to have a chocolate bar every single day. At least one, as many as four or five. I love chocolate. I have been eating chocolate bars since about grade five, so almost 30 years. Well, I haven't had a chocolate bar in quite some time now. I was eating chocolates before Christmas, but no bars. I thought I was doing very well until I realized I was replacing chocolate bars with cookies. Oh yes, I've been having cookies every single day. As many as six a day. Not that many, some might say, but it's the idea that I've replaced chocolate with cookies. Now what if I replaced cookies with fresh fruit? I eat the cookies for dessert after supper. What if I had fresh fruit instead of cookies? Would I be satisfied? What emotional need are cookies filling? Would I panic at the thought of no cookies? I'm already making excuses to have just one cookie so I know I'm not ready to give them up yet. I think I need to read Martha Beck's book again soon. I need to get rid of the emotional connection to food.
I've been very good about getting on the elliptical lately, except today. I was in a good mood when I got home from work. All day I'd planned to use the elliptical right after work, keep the rhythm going, you know? Anyway, I was on it for less than ten minutes when my cell phone rang. A friend of mine is going through a separation and as much as I want to help her out, I really wanted to finish my exercise and indulge in some time to myself. So I ignored the call at the time (I called her back after my shower and talked to her until the kids got home from school.) and kept striding away. Then I looked out my window and saw my landlord's car pull up. Well that was just enough for me. I got off the machine and went into the shower. I really missed the full workout though. I didn't realize how much I was liking it until I took it away from myself. Sometimes I want to hide in my own house to keep people away.
I was reading on the Internet somewhere that weight loss is a simple idea often made difficult. The article went on to say that calories are just calories, they are all equal. After everything else that has been said about good and bad calories, this is a refreshing viewpoint for me. I have no idea if it's true or not. I don't know if there are bad calories or good ones, but I do know that my body needs calories to function every day. So if I make good food choices like less prepackaged and processed stuff and more fresh stuff then I should be ok. If I eat less and move more then I should lose weight. It's just the emotional eating that's got me stumped for now.
I used to have a chocolate bar every single day. At least one, as many as four or five. I love chocolate. I have been eating chocolate bars since about grade five, so almost 30 years. Well, I haven't had a chocolate bar in quite some time now. I was eating chocolates before Christmas, but no bars. I thought I was doing very well until I realized I was replacing chocolate bars with cookies. Oh yes, I've been having cookies every single day. As many as six a day. Not that many, some might say, but it's the idea that I've replaced chocolate with cookies. Now what if I replaced cookies with fresh fruit? I eat the cookies for dessert after supper. What if I had fresh fruit instead of cookies? Would I be satisfied? What emotional need are cookies filling? Would I panic at the thought of no cookies? I'm already making excuses to have just one cookie so I know I'm not ready to give them up yet. I think I need to read Martha Beck's book again soon. I need to get rid of the emotional connection to food.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Brain....Disengaged
I did try getting up earlier to practice yoga before work, but I couldn't do it every day. It's been so cold out and my car has had trouble starting so I've been using my morning time on my car. And apparently making excuses :) I love the way yoga makes me feel and when I did get five to ten minutes a day in before work, my posture was so much better! So I will make more of an effort to get up a little earlier this next week.
One thing that was odd today was how I ate a doughnut completely unconsciously. It's payday and the boss brings doughnuts. I saw the doughnuts arrive with him and started thinking about whether or not to have one. I told myself that I could have a doughnut now or be thinner later. Instant gratification vs. long term rewards. After thinking about it and realizing my body wasn't screaming for a doughnut I decided to skip my doughnut on break regardless of any ribbing from my coworkers.
About an hour later, one coworker told me they were taking break and asked if I wanted to join them. I thought about it for a moment...actually, my mind was blank and I couldn't think of a reason to say no so I went on break. I got upstairs, looked at the doughnuts and chose one. Something nagged at me but I didn't know what it was. I sat down and looked at the colorful sprinkles on my doughnut and tucked into it. Most of the way through eating it, I remembered that I decided not to eat one today! And - I was thinking to myself while eating it that the icing was too thick and too sweet and kept eating anyway. Where was my brain? Did I lose my mind in that hour? Why couldn't I remember the deal I'd made with myself?
I thought of Martha Beck saying my brain was like a predator and my body was like prey. Any time my body felt like it may be attacked it would sneak the food in. So then I thought "what is making me uncomfortable?" My brain was obviously disengaged from my body so my body had taken over and sought out comfort food. I thought about break time and realized there is one coworker I don't like very much. She's very passive-aggressive and is currently annoyed with me. I feel uncomfortable sitting across the table from her and her snootiness. She comes on break with me and another coworker almost all the time so I feel a bit like I can't avoid her. But I can. I can take my break separately from them. Yes, I'd be alone on break, but that's not a bad thing. Too bad it's Friday today, I'll need to remind myself how I feel and take a separate break on Monday. Then I can see if that makes any difference. Once I have my eating under control a bit I can take my break with this one person again. Or more accurately, once I feel like I can handle being around her without needing to eat extra food then I can take my break with her.
I did get on the elliptical four times in the last week - that's very good for me! I get tired and sore after work so some days it's just too hard to get a bunch of cardio in. Luckily, Martha Beck suggested doing different levels of exercise each day. She suggests four levels - 1. fidgeting, 2. walking at a 'shopping' pace, 3. work up a bit of sweat and 4. maximum cardio that you can handle. Or something like that. Anyway, I did my best to keep moving even when I was sore and tired.
One thing that was odd today was how I ate a doughnut completely unconsciously. It's payday and the boss brings doughnuts. I saw the doughnuts arrive with him and started thinking about whether or not to have one. I told myself that I could have a doughnut now or be thinner later. Instant gratification vs. long term rewards. After thinking about it and realizing my body wasn't screaming for a doughnut I decided to skip my doughnut on break regardless of any ribbing from my coworkers.
About an hour later, one coworker told me they were taking break and asked if I wanted to join them. I thought about it for a moment...actually, my mind was blank and I couldn't think of a reason to say no so I went on break. I got upstairs, looked at the doughnuts and chose one. Something nagged at me but I didn't know what it was. I sat down and looked at the colorful sprinkles on my doughnut and tucked into it. Most of the way through eating it, I remembered that I decided not to eat one today! And - I was thinking to myself while eating it that the icing was too thick and too sweet and kept eating anyway. Where was my brain? Did I lose my mind in that hour? Why couldn't I remember the deal I'd made with myself?
I thought of Martha Beck saying my brain was like a predator and my body was like prey. Any time my body felt like it may be attacked it would sneak the food in. So then I thought "what is making me uncomfortable?" My brain was obviously disengaged from my body so my body had taken over and sought out comfort food. I thought about break time and realized there is one coworker I don't like very much. She's very passive-aggressive and is currently annoyed with me. I feel uncomfortable sitting across the table from her and her snootiness. She comes on break with me and another coworker almost all the time so I feel a bit like I can't avoid her. But I can. I can take my break separately from them. Yes, I'd be alone on break, but that's not a bad thing. Too bad it's Friday today, I'll need to remind myself how I feel and take a separate break on Monday. Then I can see if that makes any difference. Once I have my eating under control a bit I can take my break with this one person again. Or more accurately, once I feel like I can handle being around her without needing to eat extra food then I can take my break with her.
I did get on the elliptical four times in the last week - that's very good for me! I get tired and sore after work so some days it's just too hard to get a bunch of cardio in. Luckily, Martha Beck suggested doing different levels of exercise each day. She suggests four levels - 1. fidgeting, 2. walking at a 'shopping' pace, 3. work up a bit of sweat and 4. maximum cardio that you can handle. Or something like that. Anyway, I did my best to keep moving even when I was sore and tired.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Yoga
I've started yoga again! I used to practice yoga for 30 min five days a week. There was this daily program on tv with one woman teaching yoga. I loved it so much! She was excellent at explaining all the different poses and focussed on being kind to your body. Her show went off the air several years ago and I felt a bit out-of-sorts. I tried other programs but didn't find anything I really liked as much as that first one.
I did eventually find Namaste yoga. I followed the shows as best as I could and then ordered the DVDs of the two seasons. The shows are different than what I'm used to but still challenging enough to give me a workout. The only other DVD I have for yoga is one with Rodney Yee. It's good so far. One thing I'm considering is waking up ten minutes earlier to get in a little yoga workout before work. We'll see how that goes.
Today I got busy and re-arranged the workout room as well. Now the elliptical faces a window that looks out onto the front street so I can gaze outside while I sweat. The Bowflex is in a corner on the other side of the room and there is a large-ish space in the middle that faces an old tv. We connected the old DVD player to it so we can use cardio or yoga programs downstairs as well.
My eating has been ok. I still treat myself with cookies every day but I've also been eating a lot of extra veggies. The daymaps from Martha Beck's book really help. I can see right away how much I eat and when.
The cookies are a bit of a problem. Although I used to eat a chocolate bar or two (or three) every single day. I couldn't even imagine living without them. I would even go into withdrawl thinking about leaving them behind. Now I haven't had a bar in at least a month, maybe more. I'd have to check my daymaps to be sure.
I did eventually find Namaste yoga. I followed the shows as best as I could and then ordered the DVDs of the two seasons. The shows are different than what I'm used to but still challenging enough to give me a workout. The only other DVD I have for yoga is one with Rodney Yee. It's good so far. One thing I'm considering is waking up ten minutes earlier to get in a little yoga workout before work. We'll see how that goes.
Today I got busy and re-arranged the workout room as well. Now the elliptical faces a window that looks out onto the front street so I can gaze outside while I sweat. The Bowflex is in a corner on the other side of the room and there is a large-ish space in the middle that faces an old tv. We connected the old DVD player to it so we can use cardio or yoga programs downstairs as well.
My eating has been ok. I still treat myself with cookies every day but I've also been eating a lot of extra veggies. The daymaps from Martha Beck's book really help. I can see right away how much I eat and when.
The cookies are a bit of a problem. Although I used to eat a chocolate bar or two (or three) every single day. I couldn't even imagine living without them. I would even go into withdrawl thinking about leaving them behind. Now I haven't had a bar in at least a month, maybe more. I'd have to check my daymaps to be sure.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Welcome
Here I am at the start of another year and wanting to lose weight. Again.Some history on me:
My first thoughts of being fat were when I was 12 years old. Yep, that's 26 years of wishing I was thinner. I was in grade six and noticed I was curvier than the other girls. I wasn't fat exactly...I just didn't have the shape that was popular. And I was shorter than everyone else. I would look at the taller girls and think that if I could just stretch out my body then I'd be ok. My bones are wide but not long. And no, I'm not saying this as an excuse why I'm not thin :) I have been looking at other people's bone structure for 26 years and I do see that I have heavy, wide bones. This is ok as they are also stronger than most. They are not fragile or delicate. I have good farm stock bones. But I feel like I look stocky and squat instead of graceful and willowy.
I have gradually gained weight over the years and reached my top weight of 169lbs at the end of 2007. Right now I weigh 152lbs, so that's better, but before the whole holiday/family season I was getting to 147lbs and feeling more in control of myself. Now I feel like I'm eating unconsciously or fighting an addiction.
Ah, addiction. 13 years ago my family all wanted to lose weight and formed a group. We followed a book called Diets Don't Work and it was the first time I was introduced to the idea of emotional eating. I dropped 45lbs with barely a thought! Then I got pregnant and sick with my gall bladder. By the time I had surgery to remove the gall bladder it was nine months after my baby was born. When I found I could eat without pain, I ate. And ate. And ate. It was like I was on auto-pilot with food. On top of that, by then I had two small children and was in a bad marriage so I put dieting at the bottom of the list.
Eight years after my gall bladder removal my marriage broke up. I lost 15lbs without even blinking an eye! I felt confidant and finally in control of my life. I kept steadily losing little bits of weight until my boyfriend moved in with me two years ago. I went from 133lbs to 169lbs in seven months. For the first time in my life, I couldn't properly reach around to clean myself after using the bathroom. How humiliating. I know these weights don't seem huge - but remember I'm under five feet tall.
I found Martha Beck's book during the summer of 2008 and dug right in. Again, the issue of emotional eating was the core of the book. I now understand that I need to re-wire my brain. I have been using food to comfort myself and it's time to stop.
I will probably re-read her book, but for now I'll make the little changes of:
1. enjoying every bite of food, no more eating unconsciously
2. reminding myself that I'm looking for comfort if I'm eating when I'm not hungry
3. moving more - even if it's just a little bit
I can do this. I can make the changes in my life to finally be free of the addiction of overeating. It is possible.
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