Starting Martha Beck's book again

I've started reading Martha Beck's book The Four Day Win again. I had read it before and (mostly) did all the exercises in it. I must have really enjoyed the book because so far I remember everything I'm reading - there is nothing new or forgotten. The reason I decided to read it again is so that I can see if I can actually stop eating emotionally. Even after doing the exercises I still eat unconsciously or by habit.

There were two sections of the book that I had the most difficulty with. The first one was Thick Memories. These are memories that bring you joy. What you do is think of the memory and write down every possible detail of it. In doing this, you are supposed to remember the feeling of joy and bring joy to the surface when you crave emotional eating. Ok. But. I just couldn't find that many memories. I didn't have a horrible childhood or anything, it was ok. But I couldn't put myself in the place of feeling joy over a memory. And for the very few that I could, I was unable to fully remember it and get it written down.

I suspect this problem is partly that I live in the moment. There are things that bring me joy, but no one particular memory of them. Like the scent of dew on spring grass at dawn. There is no one morning that I can remember, but the idea of dew brings me peace. So what I may do when I reach that section of the book is change things a bit. Instead of coming up with specific memories, I'll use the images/scents that give me joy. I will describe them in as much detail as I can and call up those images instead of memories. Will it work? Hope so, better than not doing anything.

The other stumbling block was when Martha Beck spoke about Rat Park and Rat Trap. At the time I felt like I was living in a Trap but didn't want to get out. I love my boyfriend but at the time I was feeling smothered. I felt watched constantly. I was actually having fantasies about running away or finding excuses to break up with him. Right around this time I hit an all-time low with it and told my boyfriend how I felt. Well, I'd told him before but he didn't seem to hear me. Playing a bit on his abandonment issues helped him to see how serious I was. I told him that we have two bathrooms - there was absolutely no need for him to ever, not ever, come into the bathroom while I'm in there. Surprisingly, that made a huge change. I had no idea that privacy was so important to me. Actually, yes I did, but I never even thought that I would need to spell it out for someone. I just assumed I'd have to become accustomed to living the way he wants to - with little or no privacy at all.

So now my life is more of a Rat Park and I can call up images of joy. But I still feel a bit like I should go through the exercises in the book again to get it all straight in my mind. I may post about each exercise in the book, I may not. I know better than to lock myself into something like that :) Oh - one other thing about me...I have rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. So as much as I want to say I'll record every step in my journey I know I'll hit a Down and not be able to do it coherently. But can say I'll do my best, and that my best is different every day.

One thing I definitely took note of was that I eat by ritual. Every night after supper I sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and (at the moment) four cookies. It used to be a chocolate bar and no hot chocolate. Sometimes it's just candy and no chocolate. But this is the hardest routine to break. I like the routine and don't really want to give it up at all. I like routines in general and I love structure and ritual. My life is run by ritual or I'd never get anything done. If I don't complete this ritual of hot chocolate and cookies I feel like my evening can't begin. That may sound silly, but it's true.

So how do I break rituals? This one is enjoyable but bad for me. Maybe one cookie instead of four? Maybe tea instead of hot chocolate? Maybe read the book some more so I don't experience panic when I think of these things?

I did manage to give up this whole ritual about three years ago. I went through a separation (and later, a divorce) and during this time I decided that I didn't need a chocolate bar every day. I simply stopped eating after supper. Every time I craved food I just reminded myself that supper was done and that I would eat in the morning when I was hungry again. There were days that were difficult, but I got through them. I lost a bunch of weight and felt good about myself and confidant.

Then I started dating. I met my boyfriend and within six months he was living with my two sons and I. Without being completely aware of it, I started having chocolate again to help make me feel at ease. It became a ritual very quickly. Even when I would ask myself why I was eating the chocolate I would push the thoughts away and eat more.

What I feel like I need is an extended time alone. Like a month. That way I can get my thinking straight without another person's influence. Sticky thing though is that I have two boys - 12 and 14. They are not going anywhere anytime soon. So I have to learn to make life adjustments with them around. That's not too hard, but what it hard is my boyfriend. I don't know why, but it is. Like somehow I'm not allowed to change anything as long as he's here. This isn't something I'm picking up from him, I felt this way with my ex and when I lived with my parents. The only time I ever felt really secure about myself was the year in between my separation and meeting my boyfriend. I did things just for me and my boys and I loved it. But I was also lonely after a while.

So I need to learn how to change for the better without fear from my partner. And he would be supportive - no doubt. It's me that needs to see things differently.