I've still been counting calories and I find it a bit helpful. I mean, it's good to know what I'm putting in my mouth all the time, but it's difficult sometimes to stay on track anyway.
I read in the newspaper today that the average woman only needs 1200 calories a day. Seriously! That would be half of what I eat in a day so I've been keeping it to below 2000/day. Mostly. Restaurants are the most difficult - their portion sizes are huge! I ate at Red Robin recently and my burger alone was over 1100 calories. That's just ridiculously big. Good burger though :)
The other problem I have is, of course, emotional eating. I ate a slice of cake today even though I wasn't really hungry for it. Actually, I liked the first bit that I had. It satisfied my want of chocolate. But I didn't need to eat the rest of the slice just because it was sitting in front of me. I totally Polar-beared it, according to Martha Beck. I ate the cake too fast to see what I really wanted. My mind was on auto pilot and even though I told myself I could walk away from it, I still ate it. So I still need to work on that. Sigh.
Showing posts with label emotional eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional eating. Show all posts
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
More emotional eating
I've been looking around at people and am becoming quite discouraged about losing weight permanently. There is this woman at work who lost over 50 lbs....but has gained it back plus some. My boss was counting his calories religiously and lost about 30 lbs....and is beginning to gain it back. My sister is talking about a weight loss program that worked for her before...but is now at her heaviest weight ever. Who has kept it off permanently? Will I be able to?
This last week I have been depressed and so I ignored any exercise and ate whenever I felt like it. I lost a pound. Good right? But my fear is that I'll fall into the same trap as I have before. I've lost weight but as soon as I forget to keep it in the front of my mind I gain it back.
A good example of that was in '95 when I lost over 40 lbs without even trying. I'd read that book Diets Don't Work and understood that I was eating for emotional reasons. But as soon as I forgot to question whether or not I was hungry, and as soon as I relaxed into thinking I would be thin forever...I gained it back. Plus some.
I am working very hard on the Four Day Win and would like to change my thinking and brain connections so that I will be healthy and fit - without stressing about it. Is it possible?
This last week I have been depressed and so I ignored any exercise and ate whenever I felt like it. I lost a pound. Good right? But my fear is that I'll fall into the same trap as I have before. I've lost weight but as soon as I forget to keep it in the front of my mind I gain it back.
A good example of that was in '95 when I lost over 40 lbs without even trying. I'd read that book Diets Don't Work and understood that I was eating for emotional reasons. But as soon as I forgot to question whether or not I was hungry, and as soon as I relaxed into thinking I would be thin forever...I gained it back. Plus some.
I am working very hard on the Four Day Win and would like to change my thinking and brain connections so that I will be healthy and fit - without stressing about it. Is it possible?
Friday, March 6, 2009
I only crave it if I know it's around
I seem to be stuck here at 147 lbs. This was about the weight I was four years ago when my marriage broke up...and then I lost about 15 lbs without even trying. That's when I realized how truly unhappy I was in the marriage and how freed I felt when my ex left. Now here I am, back at 147 lbs. And really, overall I've lost 29 lbs since January 2008 when I was my heaviest at 169 lbs. Which is really good - I just feel stalled.
I haven't read much more of the 4 Day Win lately either. I've been avoiding being The Watcher and I don't want to move on in the book until I've actually mastered (or at least done for 4 days) each step. Since this one is vital to succeeding in weight loss I want to take my time at it. One other thing I've been reminding myself to do is tell myself that it is only a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to want to eat when I'm not hungry. Most of the time I remember but sometimes it slips by me and I eat anyway.
Like the other day I was at Safeway buying supper stuff and came upon the chocolate eggs. Ok, I actually sought out the aisle with the chocolate eggs. Anyway, I bought a bag and took them home and put them in a bowl. Then I sat at the computer and ate about ten before I realized I really didn't want them. And I didn't want them when I first saw them either. So why did I buy them? Habit. Emotional eating.
Well, today my son came home with a chocolate bar and I asked for a bit of it. He gave me one finger of the Kit Kat and I took a bite before remembering not to eat if I'm not hungry. So I threw the rest of it in the garbage. I didn't want it anyway...I only wanted it after I saw it.
And that is one part of Martha Beck's book that I remember disagreeing with a bit. She says to keep all your favorite 'forbidden' foods around so that you don't create a sense of deprivation. Ok, I can see that. But if I see it I eat it on autopilot. If I don't see it I won't necessarily crave it. And if it's not in the house then I have to think harder about the craving, so instead of just going to the cupboard and taking a stack of cookies, I need to really think about whether I want the cookies for hunger or emotion. And then I have to go out and buy them. At the moment there are no cookies, candies, chocolate or treats in the house and I don't feel deprived at all. I know I can just run out to the corner store and buy whatever I want pretty much whenever I want.
Maybe that's what I need to do: stop stocking the house with goodies for a while. Just keep them out altogether until I feel more like I've mastered being The Watcher and paying attention to hunger/emotional hunger. As soon as I crave them, I'll just tell myself it's only a chemical imbalance causing the craving and not hunger. It has worked a bit so far...maybe it'll work better if I keep at it.
I haven't read much more of the 4 Day Win lately either. I've been avoiding being The Watcher and I don't want to move on in the book until I've actually mastered (or at least done for 4 days) each step. Since this one is vital to succeeding in weight loss I want to take my time at it. One other thing I've been reminding myself to do is tell myself that it is only a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to want to eat when I'm not hungry. Most of the time I remember but sometimes it slips by me and I eat anyway.
Like the other day I was at Safeway buying supper stuff and came upon the chocolate eggs. Ok, I actually sought out the aisle with the chocolate eggs. Anyway, I bought a bag and took them home and put them in a bowl. Then I sat at the computer and ate about ten before I realized I really didn't want them. And I didn't want them when I first saw them either. So why did I buy them? Habit. Emotional eating.
Well, today my son came home with a chocolate bar and I asked for a bit of it. He gave me one finger of the Kit Kat and I took a bite before remembering not to eat if I'm not hungry. So I threw the rest of it in the garbage. I didn't want it anyway...I only wanted it after I saw it.
And that is one part of Martha Beck's book that I remember disagreeing with a bit. She says to keep all your favorite 'forbidden' foods around so that you don't create a sense of deprivation. Ok, I can see that. But if I see it I eat it on autopilot. If I don't see it I won't necessarily crave it. And if it's not in the house then I have to think harder about the craving, so instead of just going to the cupboard and taking a stack of cookies, I need to really think about whether I want the cookies for hunger or emotion. And then I have to go out and buy them. At the moment there are no cookies, candies, chocolate or treats in the house and I don't feel deprived at all. I know I can just run out to the corner store and buy whatever I want pretty much whenever I want.
Maybe that's what I need to do: stop stocking the house with goodies for a while. Just keep them out altogether until I feel more like I've mastered being The Watcher and paying attention to hunger/emotional hunger. As soon as I crave them, I'll just tell myself it's only a chemical imbalance causing the craving and not hunger. It has worked a bit so far...maybe it'll work better if I keep at it.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Starting Martha Beck's book again
I've started reading Martha Beck's book The Four Day Win again. I had read it before and (mostly) did all the exercises in it. I must have really enjoyed the book because so far I remember everything I'm reading - there is nothing new or forgotten. The reason I decided to read it again is so that I can see if I can actually stop eating emotionally. Even after doing the exercises I still eat unconsciously or by habit.
There were two sections of the book that I had the most difficulty with. The first one was Thick Memories. These are memories that bring you joy. What you do is think of the memory and write down every possible detail of it. In doing this, you are supposed to remember the feeling of joy and bring joy to the surface when you crave emotional eating. Ok. But. I just couldn't find that many memories. I didn't have a horrible childhood or anything, it was ok. But I couldn't put myself in the place of feeling joy over a memory. And for the very few that I could, I was unable to fully remember it and get it written down.
I suspect this problem is partly that I live in the moment. There are things that bring me joy, but no one particular memory of them. Like the scent of dew on spring grass at dawn. There is no one morning that I can remember, but the idea of dew brings me peace. So what I may do when I reach that section of the book is change things a bit. Instead of coming up with specific memories, I'll use the images/scents that give me joy. I will describe them in as much detail as I can and call up those images instead of memories. Will it work? Hope so, better than not doing anything.
The other stumbling block was when Martha Beck spoke about Rat Park and Rat Trap. At the time I felt like I was living in a Trap but didn't want to get out. I love my boyfriend but at the time I was feeling smothered. I felt watched constantly. I was actually having fantasies about running away or finding excuses to break up with him. Right around this time I hit an all-time low with it and told my boyfriend how I felt. Well, I'd told him before but he didn't seem to hear me. Playing a bit on his abandonment issues helped him to see how serious I was. I told him that we have two bathrooms - there was absolutely no need for him to ever, not ever, come into the bathroom while I'm in there. Surprisingly, that made a huge change. I had no idea that privacy was so important to me. Actually, yes I did, but I never even thought that I would need to spell it out for someone. I just assumed I'd have to become accustomed to living the way he wants to - with little or no privacy at all.
So now my life is more of a Rat Park and I can call up images of joy. But I still feel a bit like I should go through the exercises in the book again to get it all straight in my mind. I may post about each exercise in the book, I may not. I know better than to lock myself into something like that :) Oh - one other thing about me...I have rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. So as much as I want to say I'll record every step in my journey I know I'll hit a Down and not be able to do it coherently. But can say I'll do my best, and that my best is different every day.
One thing I definitely took note of was that I eat by ritual. Every night after supper I sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and (at the moment) four cookies. It used to be a chocolate bar and no hot chocolate. Sometimes it's just candy and no chocolate. But this is the hardest routine to break. I like the routine and don't really want to give it up at all. I like routines in general and I love structure and ritual. My life is run by ritual or I'd never get anything done. If I don't complete this ritual of hot chocolate and cookies I feel like my evening can't begin. That may sound silly, but it's true.
So how do I break rituals? This one is enjoyable but bad for me. Maybe one cookie instead of four? Maybe tea instead of hot chocolate? Maybe read the book some more so I don't experience panic when I think of these things?
I did manage to give up this whole ritual about three years ago. I went through a separation (and later, a divorce) and during this time I decided that I didn't need a chocolate bar every day. I simply stopped eating after supper. Every time I craved food I just reminded myself that supper was done and that I would eat in the morning when I was hungry again. There were days that were difficult, but I got through them. I lost a bunch of weight and felt good about myself and confidant.
Then I started dating. I met my boyfriend and within six months he was living with my two sons and I. Without being completely aware of it, I started having chocolate again to help make me feel at ease. It became a ritual very quickly. Even when I would ask myself why I was eating the chocolate I would push the thoughts away and eat more.
What I feel like I need is an extended time alone. Like a month. That way I can get my thinking straight without another person's influence. Sticky thing though is that I have two boys - 12 and 14. They are not going anywhere anytime soon. So I have to learn to make life adjustments with them around. That's not too hard, but what it hard is my boyfriend. I don't know why, but it is. Like somehow I'm not allowed to change anything as long as he's here. This isn't something I'm picking up from him, I felt this way with my ex and when I lived with my parents. The only time I ever felt really secure about myself was the year in between my separation and meeting my boyfriend. I did things just for me and my boys and I loved it. But I was also lonely after a while.
So I need to learn how to change for the better without fear from my partner. And he would be supportive - no doubt. It's me that needs to see things differently.
There were two sections of the book that I had the most difficulty with. The first one was Thick Memories. These are memories that bring you joy. What you do is think of the memory and write down every possible detail of it. In doing this, you are supposed to remember the feeling of joy and bring joy to the surface when you crave emotional eating. Ok. But. I just couldn't find that many memories. I didn't have a horrible childhood or anything, it was ok. But I couldn't put myself in the place of feeling joy over a memory. And for the very few that I could, I was unable to fully remember it and get it written down.
I suspect this problem is partly that I live in the moment. There are things that bring me joy, but no one particular memory of them. Like the scent of dew on spring grass at dawn. There is no one morning that I can remember, but the idea of dew brings me peace. So what I may do when I reach that section of the book is change things a bit. Instead of coming up with specific memories, I'll use the images/scents that give me joy. I will describe them in as much detail as I can and call up those images instead of memories. Will it work? Hope so, better than not doing anything.
The other stumbling block was when Martha Beck spoke about Rat Park and Rat Trap. At the time I felt like I was living in a Trap but didn't want to get out. I love my boyfriend but at the time I was feeling smothered. I felt watched constantly. I was actually having fantasies about running away or finding excuses to break up with him. Right around this time I hit an all-time low with it and told my boyfriend how I felt. Well, I'd told him before but he didn't seem to hear me. Playing a bit on his abandonment issues helped him to see how serious I was. I told him that we have two bathrooms - there was absolutely no need for him to ever, not ever, come into the bathroom while I'm in there. Surprisingly, that made a huge change. I had no idea that privacy was so important to me. Actually, yes I did, but I never even thought that I would need to spell it out for someone. I just assumed I'd have to become accustomed to living the way he wants to - with little or no privacy at all.
So now my life is more of a Rat Park and I can call up images of joy. But I still feel a bit like I should go through the exercises in the book again to get it all straight in my mind. I may post about each exercise in the book, I may not. I know better than to lock myself into something like that :) Oh - one other thing about me...I have rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. So as much as I want to say I'll record every step in my journey I know I'll hit a Down and not be able to do it coherently. But can say I'll do my best, and that my best is different every day.
One thing I definitely took note of was that I eat by ritual. Every night after supper I sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and (at the moment) four cookies. It used to be a chocolate bar and no hot chocolate. Sometimes it's just candy and no chocolate. But this is the hardest routine to break. I like the routine and don't really want to give it up at all. I like routines in general and I love structure and ritual. My life is run by ritual or I'd never get anything done. If I don't complete this ritual of hot chocolate and cookies I feel like my evening can't begin. That may sound silly, but it's true.
So how do I break rituals? This one is enjoyable but bad for me. Maybe one cookie instead of four? Maybe tea instead of hot chocolate? Maybe read the book some more so I don't experience panic when I think of these things?
I did manage to give up this whole ritual about three years ago. I went through a separation (and later, a divorce) and during this time I decided that I didn't need a chocolate bar every day. I simply stopped eating after supper. Every time I craved food I just reminded myself that supper was done and that I would eat in the morning when I was hungry again. There were days that were difficult, but I got through them. I lost a bunch of weight and felt good about myself and confidant.
Then I started dating. I met my boyfriend and within six months he was living with my two sons and I. Without being completely aware of it, I started having chocolate again to help make me feel at ease. It became a ritual very quickly. Even when I would ask myself why I was eating the chocolate I would push the thoughts away and eat more.
What I feel like I need is an extended time alone. Like a month. That way I can get my thinking straight without another person's influence. Sticky thing though is that I have two boys - 12 and 14. They are not going anywhere anytime soon. So I have to learn to make life adjustments with them around. That's not too hard, but what it hard is my boyfriend. I don't know why, but it is. Like somehow I'm not allowed to change anything as long as he's here. This isn't something I'm picking up from him, I felt this way with my ex and when I lived with my parents. The only time I ever felt really secure about myself was the year in between my separation and meeting my boyfriend. I did things just for me and my boys and I loved it. But I was also lonely after a while.
So I need to learn how to change for the better without fear from my partner. And he would be supportive - no doubt. It's me that needs to see things differently.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Emotional Eating
I've been doing ok at work this week. I have taken my breaks alone a couple of times already and it was good. Not great, but good.
I've been very good about getting on the elliptical lately, except today. I was in a good mood when I got home from work. All day I'd planned to use the elliptical right after work, keep the rhythm going, you know? Anyway, I was on it for less than ten minutes when my cell phone rang. A friend of mine is going through a separation and as much as I want to help her out, I really wanted to finish my exercise and indulge in some time to myself. So I ignored the call at the time (I called her back after my shower and talked to her until the kids got home from school.) and kept striding away. Then I looked out my window and saw my landlord's car pull up. Well that was just enough for me. I got off the machine and went into the shower. I really missed the full workout though. I didn't realize how much I was liking it until I took it away from myself. Sometimes I want to hide in my own house to keep people away.
I was reading on the Internet somewhere that weight loss is a simple idea often made difficult. The article went on to say that calories are just calories, they are all equal. After everything else that has been said about good and bad calories, this is a refreshing viewpoint for me. I have no idea if it's true or not. I don't know if there are bad calories or good ones, but I do know that my body needs calories to function every day. So if I make good food choices like less prepackaged and processed stuff and more fresh stuff then I should be ok. If I eat less and move more then I should lose weight. It's just the emotional eating that's got me stumped for now.
I used to have a chocolate bar every single day. At least one, as many as four or five. I love chocolate. I have been eating chocolate bars since about grade five, so almost 30 years. Well, I haven't had a chocolate bar in quite some time now. I was eating chocolates before Christmas, but no bars. I thought I was doing very well until I realized I was replacing chocolate bars with cookies. Oh yes, I've been having cookies every single day. As many as six a day. Not that many, some might say, but it's the idea that I've replaced chocolate with cookies. Now what if I replaced cookies with fresh fruit? I eat the cookies for dessert after supper. What if I had fresh fruit instead of cookies? Would I be satisfied? What emotional need are cookies filling? Would I panic at the thought of no cookies? I'm already making excuses to have just one cookie so I know I'm not ready to give them up yet. I think I need to read Martha Beck's book again soon. I need to get rid of the emotional connection to food.
I've been very good about getting on the elliptical lately, except today. I was in a good mood when I got home from work. All day I'd planned to use the elliptical right after work, keep the rhythm going, you know? Anyway, I was on it for less than ten minutes when my cell phone rang. A friend of mine is going through a separation and as much as I want to help her out, I really wanted to finish my exercise and indulge in some time to myself. So I ignored the call at the time (I called her back after my shower and talked to her until the kids got home from school.) and kept striding away. Then I looked out my window and saw my landlord's car pull up. Well that was just enough for me. I got off the machine and went into the shower. I really missed the full workout though. I didn't realize how much I was liking it until I took it away from myself. Sometimes I want to hide in my own house to keep people away.
I was reading on the Internet somewhere that weight loss is a simple idea often made difficult. The article went on to say that calories are just calories, they are all equal. After everything else that has been said about good and bad calories, this is a refreshing viewpoint for me. I have no idea if it's true or not. I don't know if there are bad calories or good ones, but I do know that my body needs calories to function every day. So if I make good food choices like less prepackaged and processed stuff and more fresh stuff then I should be ok. If I eat less and move more then I should lose weight. It's just the emotional eating that's got me stumped for now.
I used to have a chocolate bar every single day. At least one, as many as four or five. I love chocolate. I have been eating chocolate bars since about grade five, so almost 30 years. Well, I haven't had a chocolate bar in quite some time now. I was eating chocolates before Christmas, but no bars. I thought I was doing very well until I realized I was replacing chocolate bars with cookies. Oh yes, I've been having cookies every single day. As many as six a day. Not that many, some might say, but it's the idea that I've replaced chocolate with cookies. Now what if I replaced cookies with fresh fruit? I eat the cookies for dessert after supper. What if I had fresh fruit instead of cookies? Would I be satisfied? What emotional need are cookies filling? Would I panic at the thought of no cookies? I'm already making excuses to have just one cookie so I know I'm not ready to give them up yet. I think I need to read Martha Beck's book again soon. I need to get rid of the emotional connection to food.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
So Far So Good...
Well, so far I've been enjoying my food and eating slowly. Interestingly I find that I actually fill up faster by doing that. I know, I know, everyone tells you that - but it's actually true!
As for the moving more, I've been doing a bit more but not today. I went back to work today and I'm very tired. I have a physically demanding job and it was tough to go back to after three weeks off. Oh, and, I did shovel my walk and my grass driveway. Ugh that driveway is horrible. My landlord will not pave it and I don't have a garage, instead I have a grass driveway that would fit three cars beautifully. So I'm still moving, just not on my elliptical.
I haven't been eating when I'm not hungry - except for a couple (ok, four) cookies after supper. I just like cookies or chocolate. I don't eat them when I'm too full and never feel painfully stuffed, but I do need to give them up if I'm not hungry for them.
I've been thinking about getting more veggies in my diet. I have been craving them like mad. Tonight for supper I'm making veggie soup so that will help with the craving. Also, I'm doing my food shopping on Saturday and I plan to buy more fruit and veggies then.
The one thing that got me thinking was a comment on the show "The Doctors". The female trainer from Biggest Loser was a guest on the show (sorry, don't know her name) and she was getting one woman into shape. In the woman's kitchen the trainer said "you were going to eat this football of processed flour with fat on top?" I'd never thought of cheese toast that way. It was disgusting.
As for the moving more, I've been doing a bit more but not today. I went back to work today and I'm very tired. I have a physically demanding job and it was tough to go back to after three weeks off. Oh, and, I did shovel my walk and my grass driveway. Ugh that driveway is horrible. My landlord will not pave it and I don't have a garage, instead I have a grass driveway that would fit three cars beautifully. So I'm still moving, just not on my elliptical.
I haven't been eating when I'm not hungry - except for a couple (ok, four) cookies after supper. I just like cookies or chocolate. I don't eat them when I'm too full and never feel painfully stuffed, but I do need to give them up if I'm not hungry for them.
I've been thinking about getting more veggies in my diet. I have been craving them like mad. Tonight for supper I'm making veggie soup so that will help with the craving. Also, I'm doing my food shopping on Saturday and I plan to buy more fruit and veggies then.
The one thing that got me thinking was a comment on the show "The Doctors". The female trainer from Biggest Loser was a guest on the show (sorry, don't know her name) and she was getting one woman into shape. In the woman's kitchen the trainer said "you were going to eat this football of processed flour with fat on top?" I'd never thought of cheese toast that way. It was disgusting.
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