Calorie counting for the first time

Well, I've been trying something new lately. I've been counting my calorie intake for the day.

I had never done this before, every weight loss effort has been strictly to stay away from calorie counting. I've kept track of portions according to the Food Guide, I've written down everything I've eaten, I've checked my intake against Weight Watcher's points program (average of 55 points in a day - eek!). But I've never actually counted a single calorie. Maybe because that felt too much like a real diet.

Now that I've kept track for a few days I can see why I haven't lost any weight. My intake has been an average of 2550 calories a day. Eeep! I do have a job where I'm moving a lot and lifting a lot. I'd like to say I've been on the elliptical a lot....but I haven't. Maybe twice a week. I haven't quite gotten back into yoga either although I want to. So now I know that in order to maintain my weight of 147 lbs I need to take in 2550 calories. Sigh.

The hard part is not beating myself up every time I see how much I've eaten. My mind keeps telling me that I'll always be fat, that I'll never lose any weight, that I'm stupid to keep eating chocolate, that I need to control myself and that I'm a failure. I know these things aren't true but the thoughts sneak in when I'm not paying attention.

I keep thinking back to 1995 and the Chubby Club. I had lost weight easily and slowly. Every time I would go to eat something I would ask myself if I'm really hungry for it. I was able to turn away from food and go do something else almost every time. I felt good and I looked good. I think one of the reasons I was so successful is that my ex husband (not ex at the time) was never around. He had a job working nights I think so he slept most of the day away. Then he wasn't around all evening so I could choose what I wanted to eat and when. And I didn't feel like anyone was distracting me.

Ooooh - that's a main point! I feel distracted with other people around me so I eat more - every time! At my break at work or at home with my boyfriend. I will eat more if I have other people around me. But I can't make everyone go away...sometimes that would be nice, but I know I'd be lonely. So...how do I do it? At work I can take my breaks alone, I've been doing that some days and I like it. But at home? How do I stop eating or stay aware of eating? It was easy when there were no distractions. Back in 1995 I had only my older son around and he was a toddler so I didn't feel as distracted by him.

I stopped paying attention to my eating when I got pregnant again in late 95/early 96. I was sick all day every day so I had to eat all the time and hope everything stayed down (it didn't, I threw up a lot). Then after my younger son was born I had forgotten how to stay aware of my eating.

It's time for me to remember how to do that, how to not give in to the temptation to eat when I'm not hungry. How to congradulate myself instead of insult myself. How to eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm almost full. I know I can do it, I just need to remember how. Time to go read Martha Beck some more.