Wow - another week gone already!
I did end up taking my break with the same two people for most of the week. I think what I need to do is find something to do on break that doesn't involve eating. Whenever someone would come into the breakroom I'd eat even if I wasn't really hungry. But the biggest difference is how uncomfortable I feel around the one coworker. I really need to be away from her for a while. I know, I've said that before. I'll do my best to make this week better.
I saw a friend for breakfast today. She is going through a separation/divorce. Funny thing is that this has been going on in her life for about six months and she didn't contact me or anything. She helped me through my divorce so she knows I've been through it, so why not contact me for a shoulder or something? I didn't eat all my breakfast. As soon as I noticed it was cold I stopped eating instead of rushing to finish it. Normally I would have just shoveled it in anyway.
I did work out on the elliptical today and earlier this week. The weather has been so warm that my sidewalk was all ice, so I spent over an hour scraping it away. I was very sweaty when I was done, but it felt good to do it :)
I weighed myself and I'm down to 147lbs. It feels good to be below 150lbs :)
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Brain....Disengaged
I did try getting up earlier to practice yoga before work, but I couldn't do it every day. It's been so cold out and my car has had trouble starting so I've been using my morning time on my car. And apparently making excuses :) I love the way yoga makes me feel and when I did get five to ten minutes a day in before work, my posture was so much better! So I will make more of an effort to get up a little earlier this next week.
One thing that was odd today was how I ate a doughnut completely unconsciously. It's payday and the boss brings doughnuts. I saw the doughnuts arrive with him and started thinking about whether or not to have one. I told myself that I could have a doughnut now or be thinner later. Instant gratification vs. long term rewards. After thinking about it and realizing my body wasn't screaming for a doughnut I decided to skip my doughnut on break regardless of any ribbing from my coworkers.
About an hour later, one coworker told me they were taking break and asked if I wanted to join them. I thought about it for a moment...actually, my mind was blank and I couldn't think of a reason to say no so I went on break. I got upstairs, looked at the doughnuts and chose one. Something nagged at me but I didn't know what it was. I sat down and looked at the colorful sprinkles on my doughnut and tucked into it. Most of the way through eating it, I remembered that I decided not to eat one today! And - I was thinking to myself while eating it that the icing was too thick and too sweet and kept eating anyway. Where was my brain? Did I lose my mind in that hour? Why couldn't I remember the deal I'd made with myself?
I thought of Martha Beck saying my brain was like a predator and my body was like prey. Any time my body felt like it may be attacked it would sneak the food in. So then I thought "what is making me uncomfortable?" My brain was obviously disengaged from my body so my body had taken over and sought out comfort food. I thought about break time and realized there is one coworker I don't like very much. She's very passive-aggressive and is currently annoyed with me. I feel uncomfortable sitting across the table from her and her snootiness. She comes on break with me and another coworker almost all the time so I feel a bit like I can't avoid her. But I can. I can take my break separately from them. Yes, I'd be alone on break, but that's not a bad thing. Too bad it's Friday today, I'll need to remind myself how I feel and take a separate break on Monday. Then I can see if that makes any difference. Once I have my eating under control a bit I can take my break with this one person again. Or more accurately, once I feel like I can handle being around her without needing to eat extra food then I can take my break with her.
I did get on the elliptical four times in the last week - that's very good for me! I get tired and sore after work so some days it's just too hard to get a bunch of cardio in. Luckily, Martha Beck suggested doing different levels of exercise each day. She suggests four levels - 1. fidgeting, 2. walking at a 'shopping' pace, 3. work up a bit of sweat and 4. maximum cardio that you can handle. Or something like that. Anyway, I did my best to keep moving even when I was sore and tired.
One thing that was odd today was how I ate a doughnut completely unconsciously. It's payday and the boss brings doughnuts. I saw the doughnuts arrive with him and started thinking about whether or not to have one. I told myself that I could have a doughnut now or be thinner later. Instant gratification vs. long term rewards. After thinking about it and realizing my body wasn't screaming for a doughnut I decided to skip my doughnut on break regardless of any ribbing from my coworkers.
About an hour later, one coworker told me they were taking break and asked if I wanted to join them. I thought about it for a moment...actually, my mind was blank and I couldn't think of a reason to say no so I went on break. I got upstairs, looked at the doughnuts and chose one. Something nagged at me but I didn't know what it was. I sat down and looked at the colorful sprinkles on my doughnut and tucked into it. Most of the way through eating it, I remembered that I decided not to eat one today! And - I was thinking to myself while eating it that the icing was too thick and too sweet and kept eating anyway. Where was my brain? Did I lose my mind in that hour? Why couldn't I remember the deal I'd made with myself?
I thought of Martha Beck saying my brain was like a predator and my body was like prey. Any time my body felt like it may be attacked it would sneak the food in. So then I thought "what is making me uncomfortable?" My brain was obviously disengaged from my body so my body had taken over and sought out comfort food. I thought about break time and realized there is one coworker I don't like very much. She's very passive-aggressive and is currently annoyed with me. I feel uncomfortable sitting across the table from her and her snootiness. She comes on break with me and another coworker almost all the time so I feel a bit like I can't avoid her. But I can. I can take my break separately from them. Yes, I'd be alone on break, but that's not a bad thing. Too bad it's Friday today, I'll need to remind myself how I feel and take a separate break on Monday. Then I can see if that makes any difference. Once I have my eating under control a bit I can take my break with this one person again. Or more accurately, once I feel like I can handle being around her without needing to eat extra food then I can take my break with her.
I did get on the elliptical four times in the last week - that's very good for me! I get tired and sore after work so some days it's just too hard to get a bunch of cardio in. Luckily, Martha Beck suggested doing different levels of exercise each day. She suggests four levels - 1. fidgeting, 2. walking at a 'shopping' pace, 3. work up a bit of sweat and 4. maximum cardio that you can handle. Or something like that. Anyway, I did my best to keep moving even when I was sore and tired.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Yoga
I've started yoga again! I used to practice yoga for 30 min five days a week. There was this daily program on tv with one woman teaching yoga. I loved it so much! She was excellent at explaining all the different poses and focussed on being kind to your body. Her show went off the air several years ago and I felt a bit out-of-sorts. I tried other programs but didn't find anything I really liked as much as that first one.
I did eventually find Namaste yoga. I followed the shows as best as I could and then ordered the DVDs of the two seasons. The shows are different than what I'm used to but still challenging enough to give me a workout. The only other DVD I have for yoga is one with Rodney Yee. It's good so far. One thing I'm considering is waking up ten minutes earlier to get in a little yoga workout before work. We'll see how that goes.
Today I got busy and re-arranged the workout room as well. Now the elliptical faces a window that looks out onto the front street so I can gaze outside while I sweat. The Bowflex is in a corner on the other side of the room and there is a large-ish space in the middle that faces an old tv. We connected the old DVD player to it so we can use cardio or yoga programs downstairs as well.
My eating has been ok. I still treat myself with cookies every day but I've also been eating a lot of extra veggies. The daymaps from Martha Beck's book really help. I can see right away how much I eat and when.
The cookies are a bit of a problem. Although I used to eat a chocolate bar or two (or three) every single day. I couldn't even imagine living without them. I would even go into withdrawl thinking about leaving them behind. Now I haven't had a bar in at least a month, maybe more. I'd have to check my daymaps to be sure.
I did eventually find Namaste yoga. I followed the shows as best as I could and then ordered the DVDs of the two seasons. The shows are different than what I'm used to but still challenging enough to give me a workout. The only other DVD I have for yoga is one with Rodney Yee. It's good so far. One thing I'm considering is waking up ten minutes earlier to get in a little yoga workout before work. We'll see how that goes.
Today I got busy and re-arranged the workout room as well. Now the elliptical faces a window that looks out onto the front street so I can gaze outside while I sweat. The Bowflex is in a corner on the other side of the room and there is a large-ish space in the middle that faces an old tv. We connected the old DVD player to it so we can use cardio or yoga programs downstairs as well.
My eating has been ok. I still treat myself with cookies every day but I've also been eating a lot of extra veggies. The daymaps from Martha Beck's book really help. I can see right away how much I eat and when.
The cookies are a bit of a problem. Although I used to eat a chocolate bar or two (or three) every single day. I couldn't even imagine living without them. I would even go into withdrawl thinking about leaving them behind. Now I haven't had a bar in at least a month, maybe more. I'd have to check my daymaps to be sure.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Oprah A-ha Moment
I watched Oprah's webinar on Monday with Bob Greene. Most of the information was pretty redundant to me but one thing kinda stuck out.
Oprah kept saying the additional fat is about worth. If you are of worth and value then you won't be fat. Ok. I didn't agree at first, but thought it might apply to her or many others.
The next day at work it hit me: my family treats me as if I'm worthless. I grew up with the idea that I'm not of any value. This was demonstrated to me last Saturday when I saw my mom and my two sisters. For the duration of this event we were sitting around my mom's table and talking. Very early on my older sister started getting angry with me. I really don't know why she was angry, she didn't say. I didn't ask either. I was too taken aback by how outright rude and deliberately mean she was being to me. If I expressed an opinion she told me I was wrong, or diminished what I said by telling me it's only my opinion. She insulted my boyfriend by criticizing what he wears and wouldn't let up on it. I mentioned I have a yoga mat like the one my mom has, and my older sister went on an angry tirade asking me "is it thick?" over and over. Maybe I did something to piss her off, I have no idea, but she was mean to me the whole time. I was grateful to leave and pleased she was getting on a flight to go home the next day.
I didn't know how to deal with her at the time (still don't, really) because I know from experience that if I call her out on her behaviour then the others would tell me to calm down and stop overreacting. What I was waiting for (and didn't realize until later) was for my mom or younger sister to back me up. Or even just chime in and say to my older sister that she's out of line. Or even try to change the topic to get the focus off of me. Instead they sat and stared. Aren't I worth someone telling someone else to stop being rude to me?
The more I thought about it, the more I realized this was how our mom raised us. I don't ever remember her telling one of us to stop being rude or to just stop the poor behaviour. When we were children my older sister would take the Saturday comics right out from under my nose while I was still reading them. Then she would read them and just leave them on the table instead of giving them back to me. When I would tell my mom on her, my mom would just shrug. We all knew this older sister was difficult and, well, kinda bitchy, but why did my mom do nothing? Anyway, on Saturday I was using a knife to cut my apple. I cut it into quarters then would eat one quarter before cutting the core out of the next quarter. During my munching, my older sister reached over, took the knife and started cutting her own apple. I was still using the knife, why didn't she get another one? Or even ask to use mine? Why didn't my mom (it was her home) get up and get more knives?
I was aware of the poor behaviour during the event and wondered why I didn't do anything about it. I had been thinking of it in the back of my mind since then so when Oprah talked about worth I connected my worth to the events that transpired.
It's possible that my mom simply didn't/doesn't know better. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Paranoid Disorder. These were diagnosed only in the last eight years.
The other element to this is that my family walks around on eggshells with my older sister. Partly because she really was mostly bitchy, angry, resentful, haughty, inconsiderate and mean while she was growing up. Seriously. Part of that was because she was put on anti-seizure medication and those were some of the side effects. The other reason my family continues to tread lightly with her is because she has stage four breast cancer. Should a terminal illness be a free pass to bad behaviour?
I need to figure out how to make myself feel worthy while at the same time maintain some connection with my family. Although they are turning out to me toxic.
Oprah kept saying the additional fat is about worth. If you are of worth and value then you won't be fat. Ok. I didn't agree at first, but thought it might apply to her or many others.
The next day at work it hit me: my family treats me as if I'm worthless. I grew up with the idea that I'm not of any value. This was demonstrated to me last Saturday when I saw my mom and my two sisters. For the duration of this event we were sitting around my mom's table and talking. Very early on my older sister started getting angry with me. I really don't know why she was angry, she didn't say. I didn't ask either. I was too taken aback by how outright rude and deliberately mean she was being to me. If I expressed an opinion she told me I was wrong, or diminished what I said by telling me it's only my opinion. She insulted my boyfriend by criticizing what he wears and wouldn't let up on it. I mentioned I have a yoga mat like the one my mom has, and my older sister went on an angry tirade asking me "is it thick?" over and over. Maybe I did something to piss her off, I have no idea, but she was mean to me the whole time. I was grateful to leave and pleased she was getting on a flight to go home the next day.
I didn't know how to deal with her at the time (still don't, really) because I know from experience that if I call her out on her behaviour then the others would tell me to calm down and stop overreacting. What I was waiting for (and didn't realize until later) was for my mom or younger sister to back me up. Or even just chime in and say to my older sister that she's out of line. Or even try to change the topic to get the focus off of me. Instead they sat and stared. Aren't I worth someone telling someone else to stop being rude to me?
The more I thought about it, the more I realized this was how our mom raised us. I don't ever remember her telling one of us to stop being rude or to just stop the poor behaviour. When we were children my older sister would take the Saturday comics right out from under my nose while I was still reading them. Then she would read them and just leave them on the table instead of giving them back to me. When I would tell my mom on her, my mom would just shrug. We all knew this older sister was difficult and, well, kinda bitchy, but why did my mom do nothing? Anyway, on Saturday I was using a knife to cut my apple. I cut it into quarters then would eat one quarter before cutting the core out of the next quarter. During my munching, my older sister reached over, took the knife and started cutting her own apple. I was still using the knife, why didn't she get another one? Or even ask to use mine? Why didn't my mom (it was her home) get up and get more knives?
I was aware of the poor behaviour during the event and wondered why I didn't do anything about it. I had been thinking of it in the back of my mind since then so when Oprah talked about worth I connected my worth to the events that transpired.
It's possible that my mom simply didn't/doesn't know better. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Paranoid Disorder. These were diagnosed only in the last eight years.
The other element to this is that my family walks around on eggshells with my older sister. Partly because she really was mostly bitchy, angry, resentful, haughty, inconsiderate and mean while she was growing up. Seriously. Part of that was because she was put on anti-seizure medication and those were some of the side effects. The other reason my family continues to tread lightly with her is because she has stage four breast cancer. Should a terminal illness be a free pass to bad behaviour?
I need to figure out how to make myself feel worthy while at the same time maintain some connection with my family. Although they are turning out to me toxic.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
So Far So Good...
Well, so far I've been enjoying my food and eating slowly. Interestingly I find that I actually fill up faster by doing that. I know, I know, everyone tells you that - but it's actually true!
As for the moving more, I've been doing a bit more but not today. I went back to work today and I'm very tired. I have a physically demanding job and it was tough to go back to after three weeks off. Oh, and, I did shovel my walk and my grass driveway. Ugh that driveway is horrible. My landlord will not pave it and I don't have a garage, instead I have a grass driveway that would fit three cars beautifully. So I'm still moving, just not on my elliptical.
I haven't been eating when I'm not hungry - except for a couple (ok, four) cookies after supper. I just like cookies or chocolate. I don't eat them when I'm too full and never feel painfully stuffed, but I do need to give them up if I'm not hungry for them.
I've been thinking about getting more veggies in my diet. I have been craving them like mad. Tonight for supper I'm making veggie soup so that will help with the craving. Also, I'm doing my food shopping on Saturday and I plan to buy more fruit and veggies then.
The one thing that got me thinking was a comment on the show "The Doctors". The female trainer from Biggest Loser was a guest on the show (sorry, don't know her name) and she was getting one woman into shape. In the woman's kitchen the trainer said "you were going to eat this football of processed flour with fat on top?" I'd never thought of cheese toast that way. It was disgusting.
As for the moving more, I've been doing a bit more but not today. I went back to work today and I'm very tired. I have a physically demanding job and it was tough to go back to after three weeks off. Oh, and, I did shovel my walk and my grass driveway. Ugh that driveway is horrible. My landlord will not pave it and I don't have a garage, instead I have a grass driveway that would fit three cars beautifully. So I'm still moving, just not on my elliptical.
I haven't been eating when I'm not hungry - except for a couple (ok, four) cookies after supper. I just like cookies or chocolate. I don't eat them when I'm too full and never feel painfully stuffed, but I do need to give them up if I'm not hungry for them.
I've been thinking about getting more veggies in my diet. I have been craving them like mad. Tonight for supper I'm making veggie soup so that will help with the craving. Also, I'm doing my food shopping on Saturday and I plan to buy more fruit and veggies then.
The one thing that got me thinking was a comment on the show "The Doctors". The female trainer from Biggest Loser was a guest on the show (sorry, don't know her name) and she was getting one woman into shape. In the woman's kitchen the trainer said "you were going to eat this football of processed flour with fat on top?" I'd never thought of cheese toast that way. It was disgusting.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Welcome
Here I am at the start of another year and wanting to lose weight. Again.Some history on me:
My first thoughts of being fat were when I was 12 years old. Yep, that's 26 years of wishing I was thinner. I was in grade six and noticed I was curvier than the other girls. I wasn't fat exactly...I just didn't have the shape that was popular. And I was shorter than everyone else. I would look at the taller girls and think that if I could just stretch out my body then I'd be ok. My bones are wide but not long. And no, I'm not saying this as an excuse why I'm not thin :) I have been looking at other people's bone structure for 26 years and I do see that I have heavy, wide bones. This is ok as they are also stronger than most. They are not fragile or delicate. I have good farm stock bones. But I feel like I look stocky and squat instead of graceful and willowy.
I have gradually gained weight over the years and reached my top weight of 169lbs at the end of 2007. Right now I weigh 152lbs, so that's better, but before the whole holiday/family season I was getting to 147lbs and feeling more in control of myself. Now I feel like I'm eating unconsciously or fighting an addiction.
Ah, addiction. 13 years ago my family all wanted to lose weight and formed a group. We followed a book called Diets Don't Work and it was the first time I was introduced to the idea of emotional eating. I dropped 45lbs with barely a thought! Then I got pregnant and sick with my gall bladder. By the time I had surgery to remove the gall bladder it was nine months after my baby was born. When I found I could eat without pain, I ate. And ate. And ate. It was like I was on auto-pilot with food. On top of that, by then I had two small children and was in a bad marriage so I put dieting at the bottom of the list.
Eight years after my gall bladder removal my marriage broke up. I lost 15lbs without even blinking an eye! I felt confidant and finally in control of my life. I kept steadily losing little bits of weight until my boyfriend moved in with me two years ago. I went from 133lbs to 169lbs in seven months. For the first time in my life, I couldn't properly reach around to clean myself after using the bathroom. How humiliating. I know these weights don't seem huge - but remember I'm under five feet tall.
I found Martha Beck's book during the summer of 2008 and dug right in. Again, the issue of emotional eating was the core of the book. I now understand that I need to re-wire my brain. I have been using food to comfort myself and it's time to stop.
I will probably re-read her book, but for now I'll make the little changes of:
1. enjoying every bite of food, no more eating unconsciously
2. reminding myself that I'm looking for comfort if I'm eating when I'm not hungry
3. moving more - even if it's just a little bit
I can do this. I can make the changes in my life to finally be free of the addiction of overeating. It is possible.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)