"Don't rock the boat"

Bobbie's Babbles is one of the blogs I read every day. Today I almost fell out of my chair when I read this in her blog:

"Middle children [it seems] are the peacemakers. I'm not so sure this was so much a part of my personality as a kid [although I hated to see anyone bullied], but as a young adult, I didn't like to see things out of sorts and so I would try to make "it all better". Over the years, peacemaker, for me, has morphed into the "giver inner" and the "lets not make waves" and the "don't hurt anyone's feelings" person. I've thought about this recently as it relates to my "food issues" and I think a lot of my EATING was due to resentment [can you relate?]. Because I didn't get what I wanted and didn't have the confidence to say what I wanted, I shoved down my feelings with food."

Oh. my. goodness. That's me! Well, sort of. I am also a middle child and also have fallen into the role of peacemaker. What I didn't realize was that it could have changed into those character traits. I very much try never to rock the boat. I am very much afraid of what will happen if I tell people what I actually want. As an example, it took quite a while for me to start taking breaks alone at work, even though I'd been wanting it for some time. Sadly, I will agree with people regardless of what I really think in order to not hurt anyone's feelings. But I didn't ever stop to think that I was eating these feelings away!

I've learned the one time I don't eat is when I'm sad, really sad. I don't want food at all and it is no comfort to me. But I do eat from frustration at myself for not being authentic.

Another example: I have a girlfriend going through a separation/divorce. She put hidden cameras in her house and a back door program on her ex's work computer (ok, she helps him run his business, the program was so she could access the work stuff from home to avoid seeing him or going into the office). She logged in to the computer to see him looking at porn in their living room while he was still living there. She also logged into the work computer to spy on her ex and capture his screen names and passwords. My first reaction when she told me all this was shock and a bit of happy surprise. Yes. Happy surprise. It is something I would have thought of doing with my ex as well. But after about five minutes of really thinking about it, I realized she's violating his privacy in a really big way and that's just not right. But I didn't disagree with her or express my true opinion on it. Instead I have allowed her to complain to me about all the porn he's looking at, the websites he's joined and his disgraceful computer viewing while he's at work. My urge to not rock the boat or offend my friend has kept me from saying anything to her.

Wait. I think I just figured something out. The only reason this is affecting me is because I'm allowing it to affect me. I don't have to be drawn into her drama. I don't need to go out of my way to hurt her by saying how strongly I disagree, nor do I have to read her Facebook updates. And I don't need to give my opinion unless I'm asked, and even then I can find a gentle way of saying what I need to say. This friend is someone who thrives on drama so I imagine we won't be friends after I disagree with her. But that's ok. I think friends like that might be toxic to me anyway.

Now I would like to figure out a way to still get what I want, express my opinion, not agree when I don't agree and speak up when I believe in something strongly enough. At the very least, I need to be more aware when I'm eating out of frustration for not being myself and instead being whatever the person wants me to be. That seems like a difficult but rewarding goal.

I made a chart of my weight

I did something today I've been wanting to do for some time now...I created a graph of my weight. My mom mentioned that she did this and even showed us during one of our Chubby Club meetings. I thought it was an excellent idea to track weight and was surprised I'd never thought of it. That is how my recording began, back in July of 1995.

I have 14 years of data, the first two years it was every week and then it got sporadic. The neat thing about the graph is I can see exactly where I've gained weight and how much. I was thinnest and happiest when I was focusing on me and taking time out for just me. When I included another person - friend, husband, boyfriend or child - I would eat and gain weight. Somehow I think I need to find a balance for including people in my life without feeling like I'm giving myself up. I don't even know where to begin doing that.

The two times in the last fourteen years that I've been thinnest is when I was walking and practicing yoga every day and the other was after my ex left but before my boyfriend moved in. I would walk alone, at dawn, and loved it. I gave it up when my ex left because my new job started at 4am. No more walking before the world woke up. I want to put that back into my life at some point. I keep saying that, but have done nothing to reintegrate it. Same with yoga. There was a local yoga show on every weekday and I loved it! I would tape it every day and follow it, so I got about a half hour of yoga in five days a week. I loved that so much! Then the show went off the air and I haven't found a suitable replacement yet. I miss it very much. But apparently not enough to find the time for it daily.

Then when I lived with just me and my boys I was thinner and happy. I loved having all the hours of the day to myself. I didn't eat when I wasn't hungry and I could just be me, without thinking about how others saw me. I don't know if I can explain this really well, but when I was the only adult in the house I no longer felt the need to alter my mood for anyone, think about how anyone feels or explain to anyone what was going on inside my head. I could do the things I wanted, like making a weight graph, without fear of ridicule. Not that I would be ridiculed, I just want to keep it private. I like having a whole private world that no one knows about. I like that I could do as I pleased. Why can't I while in a relationship/friendship? I have no idea.

Calorie counting for the first time

Well, I've been trying something new lately. I've been counting my calorie intake for the day.

I had never done this before, every weight loss effort has been strictly to stay away from calorie counting. I've kept track of portions according to the Food Guide, I've written down everything I've eaten, I've checked my intake against Weight Watcher's points program (average of 55 points in a day - eek!). But I've never actually counted a single calorie. Maybe because that felt too much like a real diet.

Now that I've kept track for a few days I can see why I haven't lost any weight. My intake has been an average of 2550 calories a day. Eeep! I do have a job where I'm moving a lot and lifting a lot. I'd like to say I've been on the elliptical a lot....but I haven't. Maybe twice a week. I haven't quite gotten back into yoga either although I want to. So now I know that in order to maintain my weight of 147 lbs I need to take in 2550 calories. Sigh.

The hard part is not beating myself up every time I see how much I've eaten. My mind keeps telling me that I'll always be fat, that I'll never lose any weight, that I'm stupid to keep eating chocolate, that I need to control myself and that I'm a failure. I know these things aren't true but the thoughts sneak in when I'm not paying attention.

I keep thinking back to 1995 and the Chubby Club. I had lost weight easily and slowly. Every time I would go to eat something I would ask myself if I'm really hungry for it. I was able to turn away from food and go do something else almost every time. I felt good and I looked good. I think one of the reasons I was so successful is that my ex husband (not ex at the time) was never around. He had a job working nights I think so he slept most of the day away. Then he wasn't around all evening so I could choose what I wanted to eat and when. And I didn't feel like anyone was distracting me.

Ooooh - that's a main point! I feel distracted with other people around me so I eat more - every time! At my break at work or at home with my boyfriend. I will eat more if I have other people around me. But I can't make everyone go away...sometimes that would be nice, but I know I'd be lonely. So...how do I do it? At work I can take my breaks alone, I've been doing that some days and I like it. But at home? How do I stop eating or stay aware of eating? It was easy when there were no distractions. Back in 1995 I had only my older son around and he was a toddler so I didn't feel as distracted by him.

I stopped paying attention to my eating when I got pregnant again in late 95/early 96. I was sick all day every day so I had to eat all the time and hope everything stayed down (it didn't, I threw up a lot). Then after my younger son was born I had forgotten how to stay aware of my eating.

It's time for me to remember how to do that, how to not give in to the temptation to eat when I'm not hungry. How to congradulate myself instead of insult myself. How to eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm almost full. I know I can do it, I just need to remember how. Time to go read Martha Beck some more.

Portion size and prettiness

I've been eating a fruit parfait and/or a pita salad every day now :) I forgot how much I really love fruit and veggies. Now, I haven't lost a single pound, but I am feeling a bit better overall.

The one thing I think I need to watch is my portion size. I brought my fruit parfait to work and one girl commented on how healthy it was. Her tone of voice wasn't exactly kind or supportive, but it wasn't terribly nasty either. After her comment I looked down and saw that my fruit bowl was about three cups. How much is a portion? Maybe a cup. I went out that day and bought smaller containers to fill so I wouldn't eat as much.

That's a funny thing, the size of a container. I used to have Rice Krispies with fruit on top for breakfast. I liked it so much that I kept increasing the amount in my bowl until I couldn't fit any more. The bowl is about three cups as well. Now I'm doing the same thing with my parfaits, and yes, even the pita salads. I've been packing them so full they burst apart. I must try to remember that I don't need that much food at one sitting. There is no need to fill myself to the point of bursting or aching.

When I wondered how much a portion was for the Kashi cereal I actually measured it out and put it in a dessert bowl. The dessert bowl fit the portion perfectly at one cup. I really think if I used a larger plate I would eat more as well. Isn't it strange that even though I know better I don't listen to my own body, instead I eat whatever is on the dish in front of me. Restaurants are terrible for giving huge plates of food and it's so hard to stop eating after one portion size is done.

I was cleaning out my photo album today as well and looking at old pictures of myself. I was thin and felt fat. Even my boys saw the photos and asked when I got fat because I used to be thin. My mom, too. She was my size around my age and now she weighs somewhere around 300 lbs! In the photos I hid my body as much as possible in order to be invisible. I wanted so much to look pretty and wear pretty things, but I felt ugly so I wore jeans and button-down untucked shirts with the sleeves rolled up. My hair was the same, parted on the left and all one length. A couple of times it was layered, but mostly a blunt cut. My sisters constantly kept changing their hair and here I was looking the same year after year. It was difficult to sort the photos by date because I didn't change my appearance at all. I had to go by old/new glasses, how soft my jawline was, whether or not I had breasts and what other people looked like in the photo.

In many photos I'd have a nice sweater on (usually that I received as a gift) with sweatpants or jeans. I wanted to wear skirts but felt like I wasn't allowed to look good. I must look ugly all the time. Where did I get that idea? Do I still carry it with me? Well, I don't wear skirts, I'm overweight and I don't feel like I should wear pretty things. What do I usually wear? Jeans and a t-shirt. Long or short sleeved depending on the weather. Sweats if I'm at home. So...a uniform. Just like when I was 8-17 yrs. old. I started wearing skirts again in high school, but stopped after I had my first son. I remember one damaging thought I had when my first son was still a baby. We were pulling up to a car show in the summer, there was a woman with her man and two children. She was wearing a white top and skirt. Her skirt blew up in the wind a bit showing me her white thong. I thought "moms shouldn't dress like that". I really thought moms were not allowed to wear a thong, skirt or sexy clothes. Where on Earth did I get that idea? And why is it so damn difficult to just change? If I want to wear something pretty, why don't I just put it on?