Excuses, excuses

I was doing very well with cutting out little bits of my evening ritual snack but haven't exactly ended it yet. I don't have cookies every day any more but I still have the hot chocolate in the evening. I keep wanting to read more of the book as well but I just haven't made the time for it lately. So far I'm up to the part about being the Watcher. I did it once and haven't since, again, I just haven't made time for it lately.

I'm so far off track now. I haven't been reading the book or doing the exercises in it, I haven't been working out at all, I haven't adjusted my eating (except to stop the eating habit after supper), I haven't found the time/energy to practice yoga. At the moment I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about not getting things done. It doesn't matter how fast I go, just keep going, right? So I'll keep on going.

I did weigh myself and I've gained a pound from my last weigh-in. I'm now 147 lbs. Again. But at least my inaction isn't causing me to gain huge amounts of weight. But boy am I tired of tight waistbands and rolls of fat.

Rewards

I've gotten to the first four day win in Martha Beck's book. This is the one that explains how to take a goal (getting rid of ritual eating) and breaking it down into managable chunks (eating a tiny bit less during the ritual). The little chunks should be so easy that you roll your eyes and say 'of course I can do that'. This helps to teach the idea that big goals can be accomplished but in little steps.

So I recognized that part of my problem is ritual eating, especially after supper. My original thought was to completely eliminate the ritual of having something to eat in front of the tv after supper, but then I broke it down to eating one less cookie during the ritual for four days. I will decrease the cookies until there are none, and consider either stopping the hot chocolate or replacing it with decaf tea. I can easily do that. Well, the cookie part anyway.

The problem is the rewards. I am supposed to reward myself each day that I complete the win with a little reward, then after four days a slightly bigger reward. You know, reinforce the good behaviour. I have no idea what to reward myself with. Not a clue. There really is nothing that I deny myself so I don't know how to reward myself. If I want to watch a tv show I will. If I want to play a game on the computer, I will. If I want to shop, I will.

Money could be the reward, but that gets a bit sticky. Right now my boyfriend and I are watching every penny that comes in, in an effort to curb our spending and learn to save. We have a fair bit of debt ($18,000 - mostly credit cards) and are on a payment plan to get rid of it in less than two years. We receive an allowance that we can each spend freely, so I have money to play with whenever I want. To take money out of our strict budget would make me uncomfortable, just because I want to follow our budget plan. We actually have a blog about it, someday I'll link it to this one, but not today :)

The other thing I can do as a reward is to leave work early, but I do anyway when I feel like I want some quiet time in the house. So what can I do to reward myself without using food that I don't do already? I just have no idea. The only thing I could think of to get me started was to mentally pat myself on the back in congratulations of completing the win. So I've been doing that for the last three days when I took one less cookie. I don't even notice the one less cookie, btw. I just eat the other three slower.

Starting Martha Beck's book again

I've started reading Martha Beck's book The Four Day Win again. I had read it before and (mostly) did all the exercises in it. I must have really enjoyed the book because so far I remember everything I'm reading - there is nothing new or forgotten. The reason I decided to read it again is so that I can see if I can actually stop eating emotionally. Even after doing the exercises I still eat unconsciously or by habit.

There were two sections of the book that I had the most difficulty with. The first one was Thick Memories. These are memories that bring you joy. What you do is think of the memory and write down every possible detail of it. In doing this, you are supposed to remember the feeling of joy and bring joy to the surface when you crave emotional eating. Ok. But. I just couldn't find that many memories. I didn't have a horrible childhood or anything, it was ok. But I couldn't put myself in the place of feeling joy over a memory. And for the very few that I could, I was unable to fully remember it and get it written down.

I suspect this problem is partly that I live in the moment. There are things that bring me joy, but no one particular memory of them. Like the scent of dew on spring grass at dawn. There is no one morning that I can remember, but the idea of dew brings me peace. So what I may do when I reach that section of the book is change things a bit. Instead of coming up with specific memories, I'll use the images/scents that give me joy. I will describe them in as much detail as I can and call up those images instead of memories. Will it work? Hope so, better than not doing anything.

The other stumbling block was when Martha Beck spoke about Rat Park and Rat Trap. At the time I felt like I was living in a Trap but didn't want to get out. I love my boyfriend but at the time I was feeling smothered. I felt watched constantly. I was actually having fantasies about running away or finding excuses to break up with him. Right around this time I hit an all-time low with it and told my boyfriend how I felt. Well, I'd told him before but he didn't seem to hear me. Playing a bit on his abandonment issues helped him to see how serious I was. I told him that we have two bathrooms - there was absolutely no need for him to ever, not ever, come into the bathroom while I'm in there. Surprisingly, that made a huge change. I had no idea that privacy was so important to me. Actually, yes I did, but I never even thought that I would need to spell it out for someone. I just assumed I'd have to become accustomed to living the way he wants to - with little or no privacy at all.

So now my life is more of a Rat Park and I can call up images of joy. But I still feel a bit like I should go through the exercises in the book again to get it all straight in my mind. I may post about each exercise in the book, I may not. I know better than to lock myself into something like that :) Oh - one other thing about me...I have rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. So as much as I want to say I'll record every step in my journey I know I'll hit a Down and not be able to do it coherently. But can say I'll do my best, and that my best is different every day.

One thing I definitely took note of was that I eat by ritual. Every night after supper I sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and (at the moment) four cookies. It used to be a chocolate bar and no hot chocolate. Sometimes it's just candy and no chocolate. But this is the hardest routine to break. I like the routine and don't really want to give it up at all. I like routines in general and I love structure and ritual. My life is run by ritual or I'd never get anything done. If I don't complete this ritual of hot chocolate and cookies I feel like my evening can't begin. That may sound silly, but it's true.

So how do I break rituals? This one is enjoyable but bad for me. Maybe one cookie instead of four? Maybe tea instead of hot chocolate? Maybe read the book some more so I don't experience panic when I think of these things?

I did manage to give up this whole ritual about three years ago. I went through a separation (and later, a divorce) and during this time I decided that I didn't need a chocolate bar every day. I simply stopped eating after supper. Every time I craved food I just reminded myself that supper was done and that I would eat in the morning when I was hungry again. There were days that were difficult, but I got through them. I lost a bunch of weight and felt good about myself and confidant.

Then I started dating. I met my boyfriend and within six months he was living with my two sons and I. Without being completely aware of it, I started having chocolate again to help make me feel at ease. It became a ritual very quickly. Even when I would ask myself why I was eating the chocolate I would push the thoughts away and eat more.

What I feel like I need is an extended time alone. Like a month. That way I can get my thinking straight without another person's influence. Sticky thing though is that I have two boys - 12 and 14. They are not going anywhere anytime soon. So I have to learn to make life adjustments with them around. That's not too hard, but what it hard is my boyfriend. I don't know why, but it is. Like somehow I'm not allowed to change anything as long as he's here. This isn't something I'm picking up from him, I felt this way with my ex and when I lived with my parents. The only time I ever felt really secure about myself was the year in between my separation and meeting my boyfriend. I did things just for me and my boys and I loved it. But I was also lonely after a while.

So I need to learn how to change for the better without fear from my partner. And he would be supportive - no doubt. It's me that needs to see things differently.

Our Convenient Lives

I was on my elliptical this morning sweating away and bouncing to my music when I thought of Oprah. Oprah has said many times how she hates exercise but has to do it to stay thin. Guests on her show have had the same opinion - that exercise is to be despised and grudgingly completed in order to be healthy.

While I don't dispute that exercise is important to being healthy, I do disagree with the idea that it should be hated. Our bodies seem to be made to move. Throughout our history we can be found walking, hunting and building. We used our bodies daily. There was little rest or relaxation. With industrialization came convenience. Suddenly things could be made without using as much of our physical selves. We could use transportation different than our feet and hunting became less and less of a necessity and more and more of a sport. Now enter the twentieth century. We don't walk very far, we drive. Our jobs are not physically demanding, they are desk jobs. And of course there are jobs out there that make people sweat - mine is one of them. But by far and large we have built a world of convenience where we don't have to exert any energy to get things done.

Food has also changed drastically. We used to eat fresh meat, fruit and vegetables. Baked items were generally made at home with ingredients that are natural like flour, sugar and eggs. Now baked goods are purchased in a grocery store with ingredients that are almost unpronounceable. All kinds of natural ingredients are removed from items to make them fat free or low sodium. But then the manufacturers add ingredients so the fat free items still feel good in our mouths and the low sodium stuff still tastes good. But...is this real food? Or is it just a compilation of chemicals made into something we are told to eat? And what does our body do with all this fake food? It tries to run efficiently of course, but often fails and diseases arrive and take hold.

So here we are in the twenty-first century eating fake food and moving far less. No wonder the population is getting more obese. We are slowly destroying ourselves by ignoring our body's basic needs for food and movement.

In my opinion, any food with unnatural ingredients should be sold under a label that says it's imitation food. That way people are fully aware that they are eating something that isn't food, that the body doesn't process easily and that could harm us. All diet foods fall into this category as they are nothing but man-made chemicals with a bit of real food added in.

And back to exercise - our bodies are designed to move and we have created an environment that makes movement unnecessary. Instead of hating the idea of sweating - why not just try moving more that you do right now? Although increasing your heart rate is very important, simply moving more than usual will have tremendous results. Associate exercise with pleasure. Find something enjoyable and do it. I like my elliptical. It's low impact and has programmed intensity changes. I also love walking and swimming. Is there anything you like to do? Anything at all? Instead of thinking of exercise as a hateful chore, try thinking of it as something that could bring you pleasure. Try new things and see what you like.

Just my two cents.

Emotional Eating

I've been doing ok at work this week. I have taken my breaks alone a couple of times already and it was good. Not great, but good.

I've been very good about getting on the elliptical lately, except today. I was in a good mood when I got home from work. All day I'd planned to use the elliptical right after work, keep the rhythm going, you know? Anyway, I was on it for less than ten minutes when my cell phone rang. A friend of mine is going through a separation and as much as I want to help her out, I really wanted to finish my exercise and indulge in some time to myself. So I ignored the call at the time (I called her back after my shower and talked to her until the kids got home from school.) and kept striding away. Then I looked out my window and saw my landlord's car pull up. Well that was just enough for me. I got off the machine and went into the shower. I really missed the full workout though. I didn't realize how much I was liking it until I took it away from myself. Sometimes I want to hide in my own house to keep people away.

I was reading on the Internet somewhere that weight loss is a simple idea often made difficult. The article went on to say that calories are just calories, they are all equal. After everything else that has been said about good and bad calories, this is a refreshing viewpoint for me. I have no idea if it's true or not. I don't know if there are bad calories or good ones, but I do know that my body needs calories to function every day. So if I make good food choices like less prepackaged and processed stuff and more fresh stuff then I should be ok. If I eat less and move more then I should lose weight. It's just the emotional eating that's got me stumped for now.

I used to have a chocolate bar every single day. At least one, as many as four or five. I love chocolate. I have been eating chocolate bars since about grade five, so almost 30 years. Well, I haven't had a chocolate bar in quite some time now. I was eating chocolates before Christmas, but no bars. I thought I was doing very well until I realized I was replacing chocolate bars with cookies. Oh yes, I've been having cookies every single day. As many as six a day. Not that many, some might say, but it's the idea that I've replaced chocolate with cookies. Now what if I replaced cookies with fresh fruit? I eat the cookies for dessert after supper. What if I had fresh fruit instead of cookies? Would I be satisfied? What emotional need are cookies filling? Would I panic at the thought of no cookies? I'm already making excuses to have just one cookie so I know I'm not ready to give them up yet. I think I need to read Martha Beck's book again soon. I need to get rid of the emotional connection to food.