Another fat summer

Summer is finally here and yes, I feel fat.

So far this summer has been a bit chilly so I've been able to avoid feeling like I could lose some weight, but here I am again wishing for a thin summer.

I have had thirty nine summers in my life and every one that I can remember I've felt fat or wished I had lost weight during the winter so that I could be thin. I have wasted each and every summer convincing myself that I look good in sleeveless t-shirts and shorts, and this year is no different. Today it's 27C (which is warm for here) and I put on a tank top to go out. I could barely look in the mirror and caught myself wishing I was thin. Again.

Each spring I start thinking about how I'd like to lose weight by summer. Each summer I try to feel as comfortable as possible in clothes that don't make me look too fat. Each fall I'm a bit relieved that it's time to wear pants and coats again.

I am so tired of this cycle. I have no memories of feeling good about myself in the summer. I have no memories of feeling sexy/cute/attractive in the summer. Always fat, lazy, gooey, saggy and gelatinous.

This year I have the added bonus of feeling really old. My skin is saggy, like it's one size too big for me. My knees and elbows have that sag of skin over the joint. My cleavage has a wrinkle in it. I have wrinkles between my eyes. My breasts feel like they are sacks of fat instead of balls with a bit of fat around them. My body is changing, and while I've always thought I would be ok with aging, it turns out I'm not. I want to be young again. I don't want this saggy skin, elephant knees and wrinkles. And I especially don't want the fatty boobs!

Somehow I want to break the cycle. Either to get in the shape I want for next summer or learn to accept me as I am right now for the rest of my life. I don't even know where to begin.

Self Image

I went to a bar last night with my boyfriend. His friend is the cook at the bar and had invited us out for dinner. The music was loud, the crowd young, and the atmosphere intimidating.

Let me start by saying I'm 39 years old. I don't do bars anymore. When I was 18-21 I would go but didn't like it much then either. I didn't like the way the people rated each other based on looks, and I never, ever felt pretty enough to warrant attention. Last night I was downright invisible. My poochy body just didn't fit in with all the young girls with their firm, glowing skin. They were all decked out in their tight clothes, make up and styled hair. There I was in a tie dyed, fitted t-shirt, jeans, super-short (almost buzzed) hair and no make up. I didn't look in style, or pretty, or slender, or young, or fit. I felt old, dumpy, matronly, gray, plain, faded, and invisible.

My boyfriend made a few references to women while talking to his friend. Things like telling the story of how our neighbor across the alley peed near her back fence (no idea why) and how he didn't know what she was doing until he saw her stand up and pull up her thong, then pants. He made sure to mention that she was hot enough to be able to wear a thong. He has never said I look hot in a thong, and as a matter of fact, he says it doesn't matter to him what underwear I'm have on. He pointed out to me that the waitress knew how to get tips because she had her boobs on display. Of course she did - she's a bar waitress! I really expect nothing different from bar waitresses. IMHO. He studiously looked straight ahead if he was caught looking at a young woman.

My boyfriend is a man that says he only sees me, but likes to look at made-up, beautifully dressed women. He tells me I'm beautiful and then comments on some woman's long hair, big eyes, long legs, dress, or height. I'm short, with short hair, no make up, small eyes, short legs and I wear pants. So...if I'm beautiful, why does he find all these other features in women beautiful? Never has he pointed out something about a woman that is similar to my physical characteristics. So how can he find me beautiful if his measuring stick is the opposite of me?

Somehow I've gone and chosen a man who doesn't actually see me. I have perpetuated my feeling of invisibility by selecting a man that might like my personality but will never see me as desirable as he does a young woman. I just don't measure up to a girl who's just barely old enough to go to a bar. All of my life I've felt invisible, ugly, fat, unattractive, stubby, undesireable, and plain next to everyone else. I have taken that belief and found a man to mirror it back to me. OMG - that's exactly what I did with my ex-husband as well! He always joked about leaving me for a younger, thinner woman...and he did! I was never physically good enough for him and I taught him it was ok to treat me like I'm made of cellophane. I thought I was looking for someone who would pay attention to me when I was single. What I neglected to realize was that first I needed to change my image of myself in order to have someone in my life treat me differently. Both men saw me as a person but would still turn their heads at a physically beautiful woman...making me feel invisible. First I need to see myself as beautiful before I can expect my man to turn his head at me instead of away from me.

Last night was a smashing reminder that I am in middle age. I am no longer considered young. There will always be someone younger than me, more beautiful, thinner, happier, sunnier, taller, more fit, and generally better than me, depending on my rating system. My older sister has been complaining of getting older lately and how she hates it. I thought I was ok with my age. I really did. I was fooling myself.

Last night I could see that I was thinking that if only I lose the weight, if I get more fit, if I have better definition in my muscles, if I have that flat belly, then my life will be good. Then I would be beautiful. I was thinking that I would be happy as soon as I've got the body I've always wanted. I thought I was done with thinking like that, but I suspect I only buried those thoughts and put chocolate on top of them. And what about the body I've always wanted? Somehow I haven't adjusted that image for age. I seem to have been deluding myself into thinking that I could still attain the body of a 20 year old. Not possible. My skin already looks a bit dry and parchmenty, the cellulite on my legs is starting to sag, my breasts sag, my belly is flabby and wrinkly from having two children. I will not ever have the body of a woman in her twenties. It's just not physically possible. Besides, is physical beauty the only kind of beauty?

Of course not. But I suspect that I've always believed that to be true. My own personal measuring stick has been how flat my belly is, how perky my boobs are, how clear my skin is. But it has never been enough. I have not once, not ever, had perfectly clear skin and felt I was not good enough to wear foundation. I have never, ever, had a flat belly, but also never persisted with the exercise that would help. My boobs are the mystery of nature. They are perkier than some, saggier than others. I wear a bra, that's all I can do.

Somehow I need to learn to love myself and find myself attractive. I need to stop looking to my boyfriend for expressions of how beautiful I am or how worthy I am. It means nothing if I don't believe it. And I need to stay out of bars :)

Small changes

Well, I've stopped counting my calories for now and stopped making my daymaps. I was getting to the point of being stressed out over what I eat, how much I eat, and when I eat that I thought it would be good to stop tracking for a while. Maybe it'll be good, maybe not. I know that when I don't pay attention I eat more, but hopefully I can regain the thinking I had when I lost all the weight after the book Diets Don't Work. Somehow I had managed to stop filling any emptiness with food at that time, and that's what I hope to regain.

Martha Beck writes and article for O Magazine every month and this month the subject was....weight loss! She mentioned her book The Four Day Win and also gave some additional strategies for dealing with food. She calls it the "So Far" Technique. Very briefly, it goes like this: S is for stop - whenever you are anxious you just stop for a second. O is for open - open yourself up. F is for forgive - forgive yourself and think of things you and your body have done right. A is for accept - drop all resistance to things as they are right now. R is for renew - renew your commitment to any eating plan you like. This is the first article I have ever torn out of a magazine and kept. I refer back to it frequently and have been practicing her technique. Well, in stages.

First I just learned to be aware of when I am feeling anxious, upset, or stressed. That was a bit deal for me. Now I can feel it around my eyes and mouth where I tense up a lot. Consciously opening up and relaxing was the next stage for me and I picked up on that one very quickly. The forgiveness part took the longest. Sometimes it's hard to remember what my body has done well and think of things that I have succeeded at. The accepting stage I've only just started on. It's a bit odd to think of just giving up my resistance to the world. I have fought my weight for so long that it's just become my way of existing. But to just give up and accept that things are as they are...that's new. So I haven't gotten to the renew stage yet, but I will.

I want my life to stop being about weight loss. I want to just live and enjoy myself and feel good in my body. There have been times in my past that I've felt that way and it was so freeing. There have been some small changes so far, like not caring what size I wear for the moment or not overeating when I have the opportunity. I would like these small changes to become permanent and get out of this rut I've put myself in. Food is not comfort, it is fuel. That's what I feel like I need to remember.

I actually skipped a donut

Hey...I've discovered something...when I eat on my break at work I only eat what I brought. I have learned what a portion size is and have made my parfaits and salad pita/wraps to include about a cup of food. On my break, I only eat that and nothing else. Partly because it takes all of my break to finish it and partly because it's easy to stop eating when it's time to stop eating. When my break is over I go back to work. Since I'm not allowed to eat on the job I have to wait until my next break to eat.

When I get home there is no clear dividing line for when to eat and when to stop. If I portion out my food, sometimes I will eat more anyway. My workday is so structured that I don't have the time to eat randomly so I've learned to be full after fifteen minutes. At home I need to rely on my willpower to stop eating at one portion or within fifteen minutes. I could also just go and do something else that makes it difficult to eat, like gardening, scrapbooking or some craft. But really, my entertainment is frequently tv and computer. I can eat boatloads in front of a screen.

Maybe I should treat home life like work life and only allow for fifteen minute eating. I wonder if that would cause a Polar bear effect.

One good thing was that I avoided eating any donuts on payday! I don't think I've ever not had a donut when they are there. Most of the time I take one (or two) and eat it before I realize what I'm doing, but this time I saw the donuts and thought to eat my salad wrap first. But by the time I was done the salad wrap I didn't have any break time left for a donut, so I thought of having one after work. By the time I was done work, the donuts were stale and yucky so I didn't take one. Yay me!

Only 1200 a day?

I've still been counting calories and I find it a bit helpful. I mean, it's good to know what I'm putting in my mouth all the time, but it's difficult sometimes to stay on track anyway.

I read in the newspaper today that the average woman only needs 1200 calories a day. Seriously! That would be half of what I eat in a day so I've been keeping it to below 2000/day. Mostly. Restaurants are the most difficult - their portion sizes are huge! I ate at Red Robin recently and my burger alone was over 1100 calories. That's just ridiculously big. Good burger though :)

The other problem I have is, of course, emotional eating. I ate a slice of cake today even though I wasn't really hungry for it. Actually, I liked the first bit that I had. It satisfied my want of chocolate. But I didn't need to eat the rest of the slice just because it was sitting in front of me. I totally Polar-beared it, according to Martha Beck. I ate the cake too fast to see what I really wanted. My mind was on auto pilot and even though I told myself I could walk away from it, I still ate it. So I still need to work on that. Sigh.

Empty calories

Since I've started counting calories, I've been noticing what 'empty calories' are. These are calories that do absolutely nothing to fill me up. You'd think I'd've known that but somehow I missed what it actually meant.

So today I had my salad wrap and it was around 250 calories. I would have been totally satisfied but had a donut anyway. That donut was 260 calories. I wasn't overfull from eating it, I didn't feel stuffed or uncomfortable. But I was mostly full from my salad wrap and would have been fine if I'd stopped eating right there. Juice is another culprit of empty calories. I had a glass and it tasted very good, but it was 100 calories. It felt somehow that I'd wasted my calories on something that was tasty but not really usable by my body.

After keeping track of my calories for about three weeks, I discovered I eat an average of 2600 calories a day. No problem. So I thought "I wonder if I can keep my calories to under 2000 for a while"...so I started that four days ago and I've actually been successful! I am honestly surprised at the idea that I can eat less and not be hungry. Well, ok, maybe a little hungry but it's at the times I eat anyway. So before, was I eating even though I wasn't hungry? Probably.

The other side effect to keeping track of calories is that I don't want to put any unwanted calories in my stomach. Three times at work one girl gave me candies. The first one went in my mouth out of habit, but I spit it out less than halfway through. The other two times I tossed them without eating them. Why take them then? Because I don't want to deal with the usual feigned shock people give when I refuse candy/sweets. I work in a bakery and we make some excellent dough. One type is chocolate with chocolate chips in it and it tastes like cookie dough. I always used to filch a bit of dough and eat it, but this time when we made it I stayed away from it. One coworker made fun of me and kept asking if I felt ok. Like something must be horribly wrong for me to refuse the dough. And yes, I've done the same thing to other people so I'm not complaining about it, just noticing that it does happen to me as well.

Anyway the other thing I've turned away is whipped ganache. The people at work know I love, love, love the stuff so they give me the whip to carry to the washing area. It's like getting to lick the beaters when making cake, times about 100 because the whip is huge :) So the last couple of times, I've carried the whip to the sink but not eaten any of the ganache. I just set the whip down to be washed and then went and washed my hands. People still think I lick the whip, but I don't. Well, I haven't lately.

Now I'm starting to see food as calories and check in with myself as to whether or not I'll eat something. I don't know if this will work long term or not, but it's working for now. Right now I give myself treats like cookies or a bit of candy, but I pay attention to how much I eat and never, ever beat myself up if I eat a bit of extra something. And I still have been keeping my calories to below 2000/day. The other thing I consider is whether or not this food will fill me for the number of calories it has. I could eat eight cookies totaling 680 calories and not feel full. Or I could eat my fruit parfait with 150 calories and be satisfied.

Hey, that's another thing I'd forgotten about: the difference between full and satisfied. For some reason I'd been thinking that I was done eating when my stomach had that full feeling. You know, a little heavy but not super stuffed. I don't know exactly where I got that idea from, but that's how I figured I was done eating. Now I'm done eating when my portion is done, or after I feel satisfied but before the full feeling. I've been learning how big my fruit parfait needs to be (1 cup of fruit, 1/8 cup yogurt and a little less than 1/4 cup of nuts/granola) and how big my salad pita/wrap should be (1 cup salad, 1tbsp hummus and 1 wrap/pita) and these sizes actually satisfy me! Now don't get me wrong, I could eat two wraps or 4 cups of fruit, but that would be over eating. For me, anyway.

Now that I'm not filling myself to Just Below Bursting, I find I can actually feel hunger. And it's normal hunger, not urgent eat-my-own-arm hunger. Interesting that I'm learning not to panic when I have less food, and not to panic when the portion is done, and to listen to what my body really wants to eat.

"Don't rock the boat"

Bobbie's Babbles is one of the blogs I read every day. Today I almost fell out of my chair when I read this in her blog:

"Middle children [it seems] are the peacemakers. I'm not so sure this was so much a part of my personality as a kid [although I hated to see anyone bullied], but as a young adult, I didn't like to see things out of sorts and so I would try to make "it all better". Over the years, peacemaker, for me, has morphed into the "giver inner" and the "lets not make waves" and the "don't hurt anyone's feelings" person. I've thought about this recently as it relates to my "food issues" and I think a lot of my EATING was due to resentment [can you relate?]. Because I didn't get what I wanted and didn't have the confidence to say what I wanted, I shoved down my feelings with food."

Oh. my. goodness. That's me! Well, sort of. I am also a middle child and also have fallen into the role of peacemaker. What I didn't realize was that it could have changed into those character traits. I very much try never to rock the boat. I am very much afraid of what will happen if I tell people what I actually want. As an example, it took quite a while for me to start taking breaks alone at work, even though I'd been wanting it for some time. Sadly, I will agree with people regardless of what I really think in order to not hurt anyone's feelings. But I didn't ever stop to think that I was eating these feelings away!

I've learned the one time I don't eat is when I'm sad, really sad. I don't want food at all and it is no comfort to me. But I do eat from frustration at myself for not being authentic.

Another example: I have a girlfriend going through a separation/divorce. She put hidden cameras in her house and a back door program on her ex's work computer (ok, she helps him run his business, the program was so she could access the work stuff from home to avoid seeing him or going into the office). She logged in to the computer to see him looking at porn in their living room while he was still living there. She also logged into the work computer to spy on her ex and capture his screen names and passwords. My first reaction when she told me all this was shock and a bit of happy surprise. Yes. Happy surprise. It is something I would have thought of doing with my ex as well. But after about five minutes of really thinking about it, I realized she's violating his privacy in a really big way and that's just not right. But I didn't disagree with her or express my true opinion on it. Instead I have allowed her to complain to me about all the porn he's looking at, the websites he's joined and his disgraceful computer viewing while he's at work. My urge to not rock the boat or offend my friend has kept me from saying anything to her.

Wait. I think I just figured something out. The only reason this is affecting me is because I'm allowing it to affect me. I don't have to be drawn into her drama. I don't need to go out of my way to hurt her by saying how strongly I disagree, nor do I have to read her Facebook updates. And I don't need to give my opinion unless I'm asked, and even then I can find a gentle way of saying what I need to say. This friend is someone who thrives on drama so I imagine we won't be friends after I disagree with her. But that's ok. I think friends like that might be toxic to me anyway.

Now I would like to figure out a way to still get what I want, express my opinion, not agree when I don't agree and speak up when I believe in something strongly enough. At the very least, I need to be more aware when I'm eating out of frustration for not being myself and instead being whatever the person wants me to be. That seems like a difficult but rewarding goal.

I made a chart of my weight

I did something today I've been wanting to do for some time now...I created a graph of my weight. My mom mentioned that she did this and even showed us during one of our Chubby Club meetings. I thought it was an excellent idea to track weight and was surprised I'd never thought of it. That is how my recording began, back in July of 1995.

I have 14 years of data, the first two years it was every week and then it got sporadic. The neat thing about the graph is I can see exactly where I've gained weight and how much. I was thinnest and happiest when I was focusing on me and taking time out for just me. When I included another person - friend, husband, boyfriend or child - I would eat and gain weight. Somehow I think I need to find a balance for including people in my life without feeling like I'm giving myself up. I don't even know where to begin doing that.

The two times in the last fourteen years that I've been thinnest is when I was walking and practicing yoga every day and the other was after my ex left but before my boyfriend moved in. I would walk alone, at dawn, and loved it. I gave it up when my ex left because my new job started at 4am. No more walking before the world woke up. I want to put that back into my life at some point. I keep saying that, but have done nothing to reintegrate it. Same with yoga. There was a local yoga show on every weekday and I loved it! I would tape it every day and follow it, so I got about a half hour of yoga in five days a week. I loved that so much! Then the show went off the air and I haven't found a suitable replacement yet. I miss it very much. But apparently not enough to find the time for it daily.

Then when I lived with just me and my boys I was thinner and happy. I loved having all the hours of the day to myself. I didn't eat when I wasn't hungry and I could just be me, without thinking about how others saw me. I don't know if I can explain this really well, but when I was the only adult in the house I no longer felt the need to alter my mood for anyone, think about how anyone feels or explain to anyone what was going on inside my head. I could do the things I wanted, like making a weight graph, without fear of ridicule. Not that I would be ridiculed, I just want to keep it private. I like having a whole private world that no one knows about. I like that I could do as I pleased. Why can't I while in a relationship/friendship? I have no idea.

Calorie counting for the first time

Well, I've been trying something new lately. I've been counting my calorie intake for the day.

I had never done this before, every weight loss effort has been strictly to stay away from calorie counting. I've kept track of portions according to the Food Guide, I've written down everything I've eaten, I've checked my intake against Weight Watcher's points program (average of 55 points in a day - eek!). But I've never actually counted a single calorie. Maybe because that felt too much like a real diet.

Now that I've kept track for a few days I can see why I haven't lost any weight. My intake has been an average of 2550 calories a day. Eeep! I do have a job where I'm moving a lot and lifting a lot. I'd like to say I've been on the elliptical a lot....but I haven't. Maybe twice a week. I haven't quite gotten back into yoga either although I want to. So now I know that in order to maintain my weight of 147 lbs I need to take in 2550 calories. Sigh.

The hard part is not beating myself up every time I see how much I've eaten. My mind keeps telling me that I'll always be fat, that I'll never lose any weight, that I'm stupid to keep eating chocolate, that I need to control myself and that I'm a failure. I know these things aren't true but the thoughts sneak in when I'm not paying attention.

I keep thinking back to 1995 and the Chubby Club. I had lost weight easily and slowly. Every time I would go to eat something I would ask myself if I'm really hungry for it. I was able to turn away from food and go do something else almost every time. I felt good and I looked good. I think one of the reasons I was so successful is that my ex husband (not ex at the time) was never around. He had a job working nights I think so he slept most of the day away. Then he wasn't around all evening so I could choose what I wanted to eat and when. And I didn't feel like anyone was distracting me.

Ooooh - that's a main point! I feel distracted with other people around me so I eat more - every time! At my break at work or at home with my boyfriend. I will eat more if I have other people around me. But I can't make everyone go away...sometimes that would be nice, but I know I'd be lonely. So...how do I do it? At work I can take my breaks alone, I've been doing that some days and I like it. But at home? How do I stop eating or stay aware of eating? It was easy when there were no distractions. Back in 1995 I had only my older son around and he was a toddler so I didn't feel as distracted by him.

I stopped paying attention to my eating when I got pregnant again in late 95/early 96. I was sick all day every day so I had to eat all the time and hope everything stayed down (it didn't, I threw up a lot). Then after my younger son was born I had forgotten how to stay aware of my eating.

It's time for me to remember how to do that, how to not give in to the temptation to eat when I'm not hungry. How to congradulate myself instead of insult myself. How to eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm almost full. I know I can do it, I just need to remember how. Time to go read Martha Beck some more.

Portion size and prettiness

I've been eating a fruit parfait and/or a pita salad every day now :) I forgot how much I really love fruit and veggies. Now, I haven't lost a single pound, but I am feeling a bit better overall.

The one thing I think I need to watch is my portion size. I brought my fruit parfait to work and one girl commented on how healthy it was. Her tone of voice wasn't exactly kind or supportive, but it wasn't terribly nasty either. After her comment I looked down and saw that my fruit bowl was about three cups. How much is a portion? Maybe a cup. I went out that day and bought smaller containers to fill so I wouldn't eat as much.

That's a funny thing, the size of a container. I used to have Rice Krispies with fruit on top for breakfast. I liked it so much that I kept increasing the amount in my bowl until I couldn't fit any more. The bowl is about three cups as well. Now I'm doing the same thing with my parfaits, and yes, even the pita salads. I've been packing them so full they burst apart. I must try to remember that I don't need that much food at one sitting. There is no need to fill myself to the point of bursting or aching.

When I wondered how much a portion was for the Kashi cereal I actually measured it out and put it in a dessert bowl. The dessert bowl fit the portion perfectly at one cup. I really think if I used a larger plate I would eat more as well. Isn't it strange that even though I know better I don't listen to my own body, instead I eat whatever is on the dish in front of me. Restaurants are terrible for giving huge plates of food and it's so hard to stop eating after one portion size is done.

I was cleaning out my photo album today as well and looking at old pictures of myself. I was thin and felt fat. Even my boys saw the photos and asked when I got fat because I used to be thin. My mom, too. She was my size around my age and now she weighs somewhere around 300 lbs! In the photos I hid my body as much as possible in order to be invisible. I wanted so much to look pretty and wear pretty things, but I felt ugly so I wore jeans and button-down untucked shirts with the sleeves rolled up. My hair was the same, parted on the left and all one length. A couple of times it was layered, but mostly a blunt cut. My sisters constantly kept changing their hair and here I was looking the same year after year. It was difficult to sort the photos by date because I didn't change my appearance at all. I had to go by old/new glasses, how soft my jawline was, whether or not I had breasts and what other people looked like in the photo.

In many photos I'd have a nice sweater on (usually that I received as a gift) with sweatpants or jeans. I wanted to wear skirts but felt like I wasn't allowed to look good. I must look ugly all the time. Where did I get that idea? Do I still carry it with me? Well, I don't wear skirts, I'm overweight and I don't feel like I should wear pretty things. What do I usually wear? Jeans and a t-shirt. Long or short sleeved depending on the weather. Sweats if I'm at home. So...a uniform. Just like when I was 8-17 yrs. old. I started wearing skirts again in high school, but stopped after I had my first son. I remember one damaging thought I had when my first son was still a baby. We were pulling up to a car show in the summer, there was a woman with her man and two children. She was wearing a white top and skirt. Her skirt blew up in the wind a bit showing me her white thong. I thought "moms shouldn't dress like that". I really thought moms were not allowed to wear a thong, skirt or sexy clothes. Where on Earth did I get that idea? And why is it so damn difficult to just change? If I want to wear something pretty, why don't I just put it on?

More veggies, please

I've decided to try something new. I'm going to do my best to eat a lot more fruits and vegetables.

In the past I'd come up with this idea but thought it would be too expensive to buy a lot of produce so I didn't do it. Also, I couldn't come up with any good recipes that would be satisfying. And, my ex would not have eaten it (although he didn't eat with me and the kids anyway) neither would my kids. Ok. Those are all just excuses. I had sort of tried eating more veggies before but got sick of the same thing over and over and over.

Eating way more veggies and fruit was partly because of what I saw on Oprah with Dr Oz. The guests on the show (living past 100 years) ate veggies. I didn't see any processed food in the backgrounds. One guy was eating a diet called Calorie Restriction, which involves a lot of produce, and that was the guest that had my boyfriend interested. He asked if I would consider a Calorie Restriction diet mostly for the energy that the guest said he found. I thought about it and decided that it probably wouldn't work. I mean, I eat for emotional reasons so putting me on a restricted diet that I didn't choose would just cause me to eat boatloads of chocolate. That and the idea of counting calories makes me feel like I'm not getting enough food which would also cause the chocolate overload.

Some time ago I read the book In Defense of Food which also prompted this change in eating for me. The main message of the book is eat food, mostly plants, not too much. So eat real food that you can identify (not chemicals and ingredients you can't pronounce), eat vegetarian (meat is a condiment not a main course) and not too much (pay attention to your stomach's physical level of fullness). All of this made sense, but it seemed like too big of a task to completely switch my eating habits.

So today I went to Safeway and bought every fruit and veggie that looked good. As well, I bought some nuts, pita bread and hummus. I recently read that hummus can be used as a spread - I never thought of that! For my after-work snack I had a salad in a pita with hummus spread inside. It was so good! And mostly filling. I'm hungry now, but it's suppertime. I have the next four days off work and I plan to see if I can change my eating habits for the better. I plan on having fruit for breakfast with a little bit of nuts and Kashi cereal sprinkled on top and a bit of yogurt. Lunch can be another yummy pita salad. I don't know about supper yet. Today I'm making stir fry.

What I'm hoping for is the ability to eat a lot more fresh fruit and veggies and less processed stuff. I will most likely be consulting my computer for recipes a lot this weekend :)

Weight loss plan

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about what kind of weight loss plan I want to follow. The 4 Day Win is helping to teach me strategies on how to stop eating for emotional reasons, but I still feel like I need some sort of plan to follow in order to be successful.

One thing that has me thinking is the idea that the way I deal with my finances is similar to the way I deal with my weight. Both subjects involve unconscious behaviour, both can be out of control and both relate to my emotions.

Three months ago I started a new budget plan that has been successful so far. I took a minute to note what was successful with my budget and came up with:

- I made a budget plan that is realistic and reasonable
- I recognized two weak spots and dealt with them right away, they were 1) get the credit cards out of my wallet so I can't purchase things on impulse and 2) always have a list when I go out and only buy what is on the list and nothing else
- I set up a blog about my finances (I'll link it another time) and have been honest about all entries. This helps keep me honest in daily spending, I know I have to report it so I keep myself in check.
- and I saw results almost immediately. I had set the budget up that if there is any money not budgeted or in excess of what I budgeted then it goes into the savings account immediately. That way I can see the savings build, literally by the penny.

So if all this worked for my budget...would it work for my weight? The single most successful thing I've done to lose weight in the past (successful? but I've gained weight since and never kept it off...anyway, I was able to lose weight) is concentrate on only eating for hunger. This concept was first introduced to me in 1995 with my family's Chubby Club. When I started I would ask myself if I was hungry before I ate. Every single time. And it worked. I lost 40 lbs without any major stress. I would just remind myself that eating is only for when I'm hungry and I would do my best to eat only what I was hungry for. But then I got pregnant and wasn't able to eat very well (I was sick every day of the pregnancy) and then my gall bladder came out nine months after the baby was born. Without the gall bladder I found food didn't hurt and I forgot to make sure I was actually hungry with each mouthful.

Then my ex left and I ate only when I was hungry. I lost 10 lbs without even thinking about it. I remember wondering why my underwear was so big - did it stretch in the laundry? - and why my bra had baggy cups. I weighed myself and found I'd lost weight without intending to. I was happier with my ex gone and had no reason to eat my emotions.

Ok, here we are now. I weigh 146 lbs which is close to what I'd weighed when my ex left. My heaviest was 169 lbs at Christmas '07, so I've lost a total of 23 lbs so far. That's excellent to me :) But I still want to get past this unconscious emotional eating thing. I'm tired of remembering after I eat to eat only when I'm hungry.

What I've come up with so far is to continue with mediation every day. Keep my head as level as I can. Also, I have been remembering to go to the place of the Watcher right before I eat. Sort of like saying Grace first. That way I can focus on what I'm putting in my mouth and how full I feel with each bite.

As a side note: I did the Watcher this morning with breakfast and felt almost full and satisfied after one packet of oatmeal and a half an apple. Then I went out to run errands and ate at Tim Horton's. I was starting to get really hungry but I knew not to order a whole whack of food. Instead I ordered one of their new snack wraps and a water. I ate the snack wrap while practicing being the Watcher. No problem. But as soon as I was done I craved more food! I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to eat more! I ate in my car because the restaurant was busy, but I knew if I'd been in the restaurant I'd've ordered some donuts or cookies. So why did I feel like eating after I was done eating? Every time I licked my lips I could taste the salt and the water quenched my thirst but not my craving to eat. It was so odd. I went on the rest of my errands and constantly thought about eating. My last stop was Safeway for milk and I sought out the Cadbury mini creme eggs and bought a big bag. When I got home I had six of them. Without being the Watcher or paying attention to how they make me feel. And now the craving to eat is gone. So, why didn't I want to eat after the oatmeal and apple? Why only after Tim Horton's? This is something I definitely need to keep an eye on.

Anyway, I will do my best to remember to be the Watcher every time I eat. That way I'm eating consciously and I'm questioning whether or not I'm hungry with each bite. This has worked before, but I didn't keep it up. I will also continue with meditation every day to teach my body that I will not hurt it and instead nurture it. That way my body will behave less like prey around my preditor brain.

I understand now that there is no temporary diet solution, it is a permanent battle (?) that I'm going to have to face. It's not like when I quit smoking and I was able to stay out of places that were smoking (everywhere is non-smoking now, I love that!) in order to help deal with the cravings. I have to eat. I must keep my body running. So I must be mindful every day, every time I eat, for the rest of my life so I don't become morbidly obese. Again.

More emotional eating

I've been looking around at people and am becoming quite discouraged about losing weight permanently. There is this woman at work who lost over 50 lbs....but has gained it back plus some. My boss was counting his calories religiously and lost about 30 lbs....and is beginning to gain it back. My sister is talking about a weight loss program that worked for her before...but is now at her heaviest weight ever. Who has kept it off permanently? Will I be able to?

This last week I have been depressed and so I ignored any exercise and ate whenever I felt like it. I lost a pound. Good right? But my fear is that I'll fall into the same trap as I have before. I've lost weight but as soon as I forget to keep it in the front of my mind I gain it back.

A good example of that was in '95 when I lost over 40 lbs without even trying. I'd read that book Diets Don't Work and understood that I was eating for emotional reasons. But as soon as I forgot to question whether or not I was hungry, and as soon as I relaxed into thinking I would be thin forever...I gained it back. Plus some.

I am working very hard on the Four Day Win and would like to change my thinking and brain connections so that I will be healthy and fit - without stressing about it. Is it possible?

I only crave it if I know it's around

I seem to be stuck here at 147 lbs. This was about the weight I was four years ago when my marriage broke up...and then I lost about 15 lbs without even trying. That's when I realized how truly unhappy I was in the marriage and how freed I felt when my ex left. Now here I am, back at 147 lbs. And really, overall I've lost 29 lbs since January 2008 when I was my heaviest at 169 lbs. Which is really good - I just feel stalled.

I haven't read much more of the 4 Day Win lately either. I've been avoiding being The Watcher and I don't want to move on in the book until I've actually mastered (or at least done for 4 days) each step. Since this one is vital to succeeding in weight loss I want to take my time at it. One other thing I've been reminding myself to do is tell myself that it is only a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to want to eat when I'm not hungry. Most of the time I remember but sometimes it slips by me and I eat anyway.

Like the other day I was at Safeway buying supper stuff and came upon the chocolate eggs. Ok, I actually sought out the aisle with the chocolate eggs. Anyway, I bought a bag and took them home and put them in a bowl. Then I sat at the computer and ate about ten before I realized I really didn't want them. And I didn't want them when I first saw them either. So why did I buy them? Habit. Emotional eating.

Well, today my son came home with a chocolate bar and I asked for a bit of it. He gave me one finger of the Kit Kat and I took a bite before remembering not to eat if I'm not hungry. So I threw the rest of it in the garbage. I didn't want it anyway...I only wanted it after I saw it.

And that is one part of Martha Beck's book that I remember disagreeing with a bit. She says to keep all your favorite 'forbidden' foods around so that you don't create a sense of deprivation. Ok, I can see that. But if I see it I eat it on autopilot. If I don't see it I won't necessarily crave it. And if it's not in the house then I have to think harder about the craving, so instead of just going to the cupboard and taking a stack of cookies, I need to really think about whether I want the cookies for hunger or emotion. And then I have to go out and buy them. At the moment there are no cookies, candies, chocolate or treats in the house and I don't feel deprived at all. I know I can just run out to the corner store and buy whatever I want pretty much whenever I want.

Maybe that's what I need to do: stop stocking the house with goodies for a while. Just keep them out altogether until I feel more like I've mastered being The Watcher and paying attention to hunger/emotional hunger. As soon as I crave them, I'll just tell myself it's only a chemical imbalance causing the craving and not hunger. It has worked a bit so far...maybe it'll work better if I keep at it.

Excuses, excuses

I was doing very well with cutting out little bits of my evening ritual snack but haven't exactly ended it yet. I don't have cookies every day any more but I still have the hot chocolate in the evening. I keep wanting to read more of the book as well but I just haven't made the time for it lately. So far I'm up to the part about being the Watcher. I did it once and haven't since, again, I just haven't made time for it lately.

I'm so far off track now. I haven't been reading the book or doing the exercises in it, I haven't been working out at all, I haven't adjusted my eating (except to stop the eating habit after supper), I haven't found the time/energy to practice yoga. At the moment I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about not getting things done. It doesn't matter how fast I go, just keep going, right? So I'll keep on going.

I did weigh myself and I've gained a pound from my last weigh-in. I'm now 147 lbs. Again. But at least my inaction isn't causing me to gain huge amounts of weight. But boy am I tired of tight waistbands and rolls of fat.

Rewards

I've gotten to the first four day win in Martha Beck's book. This is the one that explains how to take a goal (getting rid of ritual eating) and breaking it down into managable chunks (eating a tiny bit less during the ritual). The little chunks should be so easy that you roll your eyes and say 'of course I can do that'. This helps to teach the idea that big goals can be accomplished but in little steps.

So I recognized that part of my problem is ritual eating, especially after supper. My original thought was to completely eliminate the ritual of having something to eat in front of the tv after supper, but then I broke it down to eating one less cookie during the ritual for four days. I will decrease the cookies until there are none, and consider either stopping the hot chocolate or replacing it with decaf tea. I can easily do that. Well, the cookie part anyway.

The problem is the rewards. I am supposed to reward myself each day that I complete the win with a little reward, then after four days a slightly bigger reward. You know, reinforce the good behaviour. I have no idea what to reward myself with. Not a clue. There really is nothing that I deny myself so I don't know how to reward myself. If I want to watch a tv show I will. If I want to play a game on the computer, I will. If I want to shop, I will.

Money could be the reward, but that gets a bit sticky. Right now my boyfriend and I are watching every penny that comes in, in an effort to curb our spending and learn to save. We have a fair bit of debt ($18,000 - mostly credit cards) and are on a payment plan to get rid of it in less than two years. We receive an allowance that we can each spend freely, so I have money to play with whenever I want. To take money out of our strict budget would make me uncomfortable, just because I want to follow our budget plan. We actually have a blog about it, someday I'll link it to this one, but not today :)

The other thing I can do as a reward is to leave work early, but I do anyway when I feel like I want some quiet time in the house. So what can I do to reward myself without using food that I don't do already? I just have no idea. The only thing I could think of to get me started was to mentally pat myself on the back in congratulations of completing the win. So I've been doing that for the last three days when I took one less cookie. I don't even notice the one less cookie, btw. I just eat the other three slower.

Starting Martha Beck's book again

I've started reading Martha Beck's book The Four Day Win again. I had read it before and (mostly) did all the exercises in it. I must have really enjoyed the book because so far I remember everything I'm reading - there is nothing new or forgotten. The reason I decided to read it again is so that I can see if I can actually stop eating emotionally. Even after doing the exercises I still eat unconsciously or by habit.

There were two sections of the book that I had the most difficulty with. The first one was Thick Memories. These are memories that bring you joy. What you do is think of the memory and write down every possible detail of it. In doing this, you are supposed to remember the feeling of joy and bring joy to the surface when you crave emotional eating. Ok. But. I just couldn't find that many memories. I didn't have a horrible childhood or anything, it was ok. But I couldn't put myself in the place of feeling joy over a memory. And for the very few that I could, I was unable to fully remember it and get it written down.

I suspect this problem is partly that I live in the moment. There are things that bring me joy, but no one particular memory of them. Like the scent of dew on spring grass at dawn. There is no one morning that I can remember, but the idea of dew brings me peace. So what I may do when I reach that section of the book is change things a bit. Instead of coming up with specific memories, I'll use the images/scents that give me joy. I will describe them in as much detail as I can and call up those images instead of memories. Will it work? Hope so, better than not doing anything.

The other stumbling block was when Martha Beck spoke about Rat Park and Rat Trap. At the time I felt like I was living in a Trap but didn't want to get out. I love my boyfriend but at the time I was feeling smothered. I felt watched constantly. I was actually having fantasies about running away or finding excuses to break up with him. Right around this time I hit an all-time low with it and told my boyfriend how I felt. Well, I'd told him before but he didn't seem to hear me. Playing a bit on his abandonment issues helped him to see how serious I was. I told him that we have two bathrooms - there was absolutely no need for him to ever, not ever, come into the bathroom while I'm in there. Surprisingly, that made a huge change. I had no idea that privacy was so important to me. Actually, yes I did, but I never even thought that I would need to spell it out for someone. I just assumed I'd have to become accustomed to living the way he wants to - with little or no privacy at all.

So now my life is more of a Rat Park and I can call up images of joy. But I still feel a bit like I should go through the exercises in the book again to get it all straight in my mind. I may post about each exercise in the book, I may not. I know better than to lock myself into something like that :) Oh - one other thing about me...I have rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. So as much as I want to say I'll record every step in my journey I know I'll hit a Down and not be able to do it coherently. But can say I'll do my best, and that my best is different every day.

One thing I definitely took note of was that I eat by ritual. Every night after supper I sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and (at the moment) four cookies. It used to be a chocolate bar and no hot chocolate. Sometimes it's just candy and no chocolate. But this is the hardest routine to break. I like the routine and don't really want to give it up at all. I like routines in general and I love structure and ritual. My life is run by ritual or I'd never get anything done. If I don't complete this ritual of hot chocolate and cookies I feel like my evening can't begin. That may sound silly, but it's true.

So how do I break rituals? This one is enjoyable but bad for me. Maybe one cookie instead of four? Maybe tea instead of hot chocolate? Maybe read the book some more so I don't experience panic when I think of these things?

I did manage to give up this whole ritual about three years ago. I went through a separation (and later, a divorce) and during this time I decided that I didn't need a chocolate bar every day. I simply stopped eating after supper. Every time I craved food I just reminded myself that supper was done and that I would eat in the morning when I was hungry again. There were days that were difficult, but I got through them. I lost a bunch of weight and felt good about myself and confidant.

Then I started dating. I met my boyfriend and within six months he was living with my two sons and I. Without being completely aware of it, I started having chocolate again to help make me feel at ease. It became a ritual very quickly. Even when I would ask myself why I was eating the chocolate I would push the thoughts away and eat more.

What I feel like I need is an extended time alone. Like a month. That way I can get my thinking straight without another person's influence. Sticky thing though is that I have two boys - 12 and 14. They are not going anywhere anytime soon. So I have to learn to make life adjustments with them around. That's not too hard, but what it hard is my boyfriend. I don't know why, but it is. Like somehow I'm not allowed to change anything as long as he's here. This isn't something I'm picking up from him, I felt this way with my ex and when I lived with my parents. The only time I ever felt really secure about myself was the year in between my separation and meeting my boyfriend. I did things just for me and my boys and I loved it. But I was also lonely after a while.

So I need to learn how to change for the better without fear from my partner. And he would be supportive - no doubt. It's me that needs to see things differently.

Our Convenient Lives

I was on my elliptical this morning sweating away and bouncing to my music when I thought of Oprah. Oprah has said many times how she hates exercise but has to do it to stay thin. Guests on her show have had the same opinion - that exercise is to be despised and grudgingly completed in order to be healthy.

While I don't dispute that exercise is important to being healthy, I do disagree with the idea that it should be hated. Our bodies seem to be made to move. Throughout our history we can be found walking, hunting and building. We used our bodies daily. There was little rest or relaxation. With industrialization came convenience. Suddenly things could be made without using as much of our physical selves. We could use transportation different than our feet and hunting became less and less of a necessity and more and more of a sport. Now enter the twentieth century. We don't walk very far, we drive. Our jobs are not physically demanding, they are desk jobs. And of course there are jobs out there that make people sweat - mine is one of them. But by far and large we have built a world of convenience where we don't have to exert any energy to get things done.

Food has also changed drastically. We used to eat fresh meat, fruit and vegetables. Baked items were generally made at home with ingredients that are natural like flour, sugar and eggs. Now baked goods are purchased in a grocery store with ingredients that are almost unpronounceable. All kinds of natural ingredients are removed from items to make them fat free or low sodium. But then the manufacturers add ingredients so the fat free items still feel good in our mouths and the low sodium stuff still tastes good. But...is this real food? Or is it just a compilation of chemicals made into something we are told to eat? And what does our body do with all this fake food? It tries to run efficiently of course, but often fails and diseases arrive and take hold.

So here we are in the twenty-first century eating fake food and moving far less. No wonder the population is getting more obese. We are slowly destroying ourselves by ignoring our body's basic needs for food and movement.

In my opinion, any food with unnatural ingredients should be sold under a label that says it's imitation food. That way people are fully aware that they are eating something that isn't food, that the body doesn't process easily and that could harm us. All diet foods fall into this category as they are nothing but man-made chemicals with a bit of real food added in.

And back to exercise - our bodies are designed to move and we have created an environment that makes movement unnecessary. Instead of hating the idea of sweating - why not just try moving more that you do right now? Although increasing your heart rate is very important, simply moving more than usual will have tremendous results. Associate exercise with pleasure. Find something enjoyable and do it. I like my elliptical. It's low impact and has programmed intensity changes. I also love walking and swimming. Is there anything you like to do? Anything at all? Instead of thinking of exercise as a hateful chore, try thinking of it as something that could bring you pleasure. Try new things and see what you like.

Just my two cents.

Emotional Eating

I've been doing ok at work this week. I have taken my breaks alone a couple of times already and it was good. Not great, but good.

I've been very good about getting on the elliptical lately, except today. I was in a good mood when I got home from work. All day I'd planned to use the elliptical right after work, keep the rhythm going, you know? Anyway, I was on it for less than ten minutes when my cell phone rang. A friend of mine is going through a separation and as much as I want to help her out, I really wanted to finish my exercise and indulge in some time to myself. So I ignored the call at the time (I called her back after my shower and talked to her until the kids got home from school.) and kept striding away. Then I looked out my window and saw my landlord's car pull up. Well that was just enough for me. I got off the machine and went into the shower. I really missed the full workout though. I didn't realize how much I was liking it until I took it away from myself. Sometimes I want to hide in my own house to keep people away.

I was reading on the Internet somewhere that weight loss is a simple idea often made difficult. The article went on to say that calories are just calories, they are all equal. After everything else that has been said about good and bad calories, this is a refreshing viewpoint for me. I have no idea if it's true or not. I don't know if there are bad calories or good ones, but I do know that my body needs calories to function every day. So if I make good food choices like less prepackaged and processed stuff and more fresh stuff then I should be ok. If I eat less and move more then I should lose weight. It's just the emotional eating that's got me stumped for now.

I used to have a chocolate bar every single day. At least one, as many as four or five. I love chocolate. I have been eating chocolate bars since about grade five, so almost 30 years. Well, I haven't had a chocolate bar in quite some time now. I was eating chocolates before Christmas, but no bars. I thought I was doing very well until I realized I was replacing chocolate bars with cookies. Oh yes, I've been having cookies every single day. As many as six a day. Not that many, some might say, but it's the idea that I've replaced chocolate with cookies. Now what if I replaced cookies with fresh fruit? I eat the cookies for dessert after supper. What if I had fresh fruit instead of cookies? Would I be satisfied? What emotional need are cookies filling? Would I panic at the thought of no cookies? I'm already making excuses to have just one cookie so I know I'm not ready to give them up yet. I think I need to read Martha Beck's book again soon. I need to get rid of the emotional connection to food.

Another Week Gone

Wow - another week gone already!

I did end up taking my break with the same two people for most of the week. I think what I need to do is find something to do on break that doesn't involve eating. Whenever someone would come into the breakroom I'd eat even if I wasn't really hungry. But the biggest difference is how uncomfortable I feel around the one coworker. I really need to be away from her for a while. I know, I've said that before. I'll do my best to make this week better.

I saw a friend for breakfast today. She is going through a separation/divorce. Funny thing is that this has been going on in her life for about six months and she didn't contact me or anything. She helped me through my divorce so she knows I've been through it, so why not contact me for a shoulder or something? I didn't eat all my breakfast. As soon as I noticed it was cold I stopped eating instead of rushing to finish it. Normally I would have just shoveled it in anyway.

I did work out on the elliptical today and earlier this week. The weather has been so warm that my sidewalk was all ice, so I spent over an hour scraping it away. I was very sweaty when I was done, but it felt good to do it :)

I weighed myself and I'm down to 147lbs. It feels good to be below 150lbs :)

Brain....Disengaged

I did try getting up earlier to practice yoga before work, but I couldn't do it every day. It's been so cold out and my car has had trouble starting so I've been using my morning time on my car. And apparently making excuses :) I love the way yoga makes me feel and when I did get five to ten minutes a day in before work, my posture was so much better! So I will make more of an effort to get up a little earlier this next week.

One thing that was odd today was how I ate a doughnut completely unconsciously. It's payday and the boss brings doughnuts. I saw the doughnuts arrive with him and started thinking about whether or not to have one. I told myself that I could have a doughnut now or be thinner later. Instant gratification vs. long term rewards. After thinking about it and realizing my body wasn't screaming for a doughnut I decided to skip my doughnut on break regardless of any ribbing from my coworkers.

About an hour later, one coworker told me they were taking break and asked if I wanted to join them. I thought about it for a moment...actually, my mind was blank and I couldn't think of a reason to say no so I went on break. I got upstairs, looked at the doughnuts and chose one. Something nagged at me but I didn't know what it was. I sat down and looked at the colorful sprinkles on my doughnut and tucked into it. Most of the way through eating it, I remembered that I decided not to eat one today! And - I was thinking to myself while eating it that the icing was too thick and too sweet and kept eating anyway. Where was my brain? Did I lose my mind in that hour? Why couldn't I remember the deal I'd made with myself?

I thought of Martha Beck saying my brain was like a predator and my body was like prey. Any time my body felt like it may be attacked it would sneak the food in. So then I thought "what is making me uncomfortable?" My brain was obviously disengaged from my body so my body had taken over and sought out comfort food. I thought about break time and realized there is one coworker I don't like very much. She's very passive-aggressive and is currently annoyed with me. I feel uncomfortable sitting across the table from her and her snootiness. She comes on break with me and another coworker almost all the time so I feel a bit like I can't avoid her. But I can. I can take my break separately from them. Yes, I'd be alone on break, but that's not a bad thing. Too bad it's Friday today, I'll need to remind myself how I feel and take a separate break on Monday. Then I can see if that makes any difference. Once I have my eating under control a bit I can take my break with this one person again. Or more accurately, once I feel like I can handle being around her without needing to eat extra food then I can take my break with her.

I did get on the elliptical four times in the last week - that's very good for me! I get tired and sore after work so some days it's just too hard to get a bunch of cardio in. Luckily, Martha Beck suggested doing different levels of exercise each day. She suggests four levels - 1. fidgeting, 2. walking at a 'shopping' pace, 3. work up a bit of sweat and 4. maximum cardio that you can handle. Or something like that. Anyway, I did my best to keep moving even when I was sore and tired.

Yoga

I've started yoga again! I used to practice yoga for 30 min five days a week. There was this daily program on tv with one woman teaching yoga. I loved it so much! She was excellent at explaining all the different poses and focussed on being kind to your body. Her show went off the air several years ago and I felt a bit out-of-sorts. I tried other programs but didn't find anything I really liked as much as that first one.

I did eventually find Namaste yoga. I followed the shows as best as I could and then ordered the DVDs of the two seasons. The shows are different than what I'm used to but still challenging enough to give me a workout. The only other DVD I have for yoga is one with Rodney Yee. It's good so far. One thing I'm considering is waking up ten minutes earlier to get in a little yoga workout before work. We'll see how that goes.

Today I got busy and re-arranged the workout room as well. Now the elliptical faces a window that looks out onto the front street so I can gaze outside while I sweat. The Bowflex is in a corner on the other side of the room and there is a large-ish space in the middle that faces an old tv. We connected the old DVD player to it so we can use cardio or yoga programs downstairs as well.

My eating has been ok. I still treat myself with cookies every day but I've also been eating a lot of extra veggies. The daymaps from Martha Beck's book really help. I can see right away how much I eat and when.

The cookies are a bit of a problem. Although I used to eat a chocolate bar or two (or three) every single day. I couldn't even imagine living without them. I would even go into withdrawl thinking about leaving them behind. Now I haven't had a bar in at least a month, maybe more. I'd have to check my daymaps to be sure.

Oprah A-ha Moment

I watched Oprah's webinar on Monday with Bob Greene. Most of the information was pretty redundant to me but one thing kinda stuck out.

Oprah kept saying the additional fat is about worth. If you are of worth and value then you won't be fat. Ok. I didn't agree at first, but thought it might apply to her or many others.

The next day at work it hit me: my family treats me as if I'm worthless. I grew up with the idea that I'm not of any value. This was demonstrated to me last Saturday when I saw my mom and my two sisters. For the duration of this event we were sitting around my mom's table and talking. Very early on my older sister started getting angry with me. I really don't know why she was angry, she didn't say. I didn't ask either. I was too taken aback by how outright rude and deliberately mean she was being to me. If I expressed an opinion she told me I was wrong, or diminished what I said by telling me it's only my opinion. She insulted my boyfriend by criticizing what he wears and wouldn't let up on it. I mentioned I have a yoga mat like the one my mom has, and my older sister went on an angry tirade asking me "is it thick?" over and over. Maybe I did something to piss her off, I have no idea, but she was mean to me the whole time. I was grateful to leave and pleased she was getting on a flight to go home the next day.

I didn't know how to deal with her at the time (still don't, really) because I know from experience that if I call her out on her behaviour then the others would tell me to calm down and stop overreacting. What I was waiting for (and didn't realize until later) was for my mom or younger sister to back me up. Or even just chime in and say to my older sister that she's out of line. Or even try to change the topic to get the focus off of me. Instead they sat and stared. Aren't I worth someone telling someone else to stop being rude to me?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized this was how our mom raised us. I don't ever remember her telling one of us to stop being rude or to just stop the poor behaviour. When we were children my older sister would take the Saturday comics right out from under my nose while I was still reading them. Then she would read them and just leave them on the table instead of giving them back to me. When I would tell my mom on her, my mom would just shrug. We all knew this older sister was difficult and, well, kinda bitchy, but why did my mom do nothing? Anyway, on Saturday I was using a knife to cut my apple. I cut it into quarters then would eat one quarter before cutting the core out of the next quarter. During my munching, my older sister reached over, took the knife and started cutting her own apple. I was still using the knife, why didn't she get another one? Or even ask to use mine? Why didn't my mom (it was her home) get up and get more knives?

I was aware of the poor behaviour during the event and wondered why I didn't do anything about it. I had been thinking of it in the back of my mind since then so when Oprah talked about worth I connected my worth to the events that transpired.

It's possible that my mom simply didn't/doesn't know better. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Paranoid Disorder. These were diagnosed only in the last eight years.

The other element to this is that my family walks around on eggshells with my older sister. Partly because she really was mostly bitchy, angry, resentful, haughty, inconsiderate and mean while she was growing up. Seriously. Part of that was because she was put on anti-seizure medication and those were some of the side effects. The other reason my family continues to tread lightly with her is because she has stage four breast cancer. Should a terminal illness be a free pass to bad behaviour?

I need to figure out how to make myself feel worthy while at the same time maintain some connection with my family. Although they are turning out to me toxic.

So Far So Good...

Well, so far I've been enjoying my food and eating slowly. Interestingly I find that I actually fill up faster by doing that. I know, I know, everyone tells you that - but it's actually true!

As for the moving more, I've been doing a bit more but not today. I went back to work today and I'm very tired. I have a physically demanding job and it was tough to go back to after three weeks off. Oh, and, I did shovel my walk and my grass driveway. Ugh that driveway is horrible. My landlord will not pave it and I don't have a garage, instead I have a grass driveway that would fit three cars beautifully. So I'm still moving, just not on my elliptical.

I haven't been eating when I'm not hungry - except for a couple (ok, four) cookies after supper. I just like cookies or chocolate. I don't eat them when I'm too full and never feel painfully stuffed, but I do need to give them up if I'm not hungry for them.

I've been thinking about getting more veggies in my diet. I have been craving them like mad. Tonight for supper I'm making veggie soup so that will help with the craving. Also, I'm doing my food shopping on Saturday and I plan to buy more fruit and veggies then.

The one thing that got me thinking was a comment on the show "The Doctors". The female trainer from Biggest Loser was a guest on the show (sorry, don't know her name) and she was getting one woman into shape. In the woman's kitchen the trainer said "you were going to eat this football of processed flour with fat on top?" I'd never thought of cheese toast that way. It was disgusting.

Welcome

Here I am at the start of another year and wanting to lose weight. Again.

Some history on me:
My first thoughts of being fat were when I was 12 years old. Yep, that's 26 years of wishing I was thinner. I was in grade six and noticed I was curvier than the other girls. I wasn't fat exactly...I just didn't have the shape that was popular. And I was shorter than everyone else. I would look at the taller girls and think that if I could just stretch out my body then I'd be ok. My bones are wide but not long. And no, I'm not saying this as an excuse why I'm not thin :) I have been looking at other people's bone structure for 26 years and I do see that I have heavy, wide bones. This is ok as they are also stronger than most. They are not fragile or delicate. I have good farm stock bones. But I feel like I look stocky and squat instead of graceful and willowy.

I have gradually gained weight over the years and reached my top weight of 169lbs at the end of 2007. Right now I weigh 152lbs, so that's better, but before the whole holiday/family season I was getting to 147lbs and feeling more in control of myself. Now I feel like I'm eating unconsciously or fighting an addiction.

Ah, addiction. 13 years ago my family all wanted to lose weight and formed a group. We followed a book called Diets Don't Work and it was the first time I was introduced to the idea of emotional eating. I dropped 45lbs with barely a thought! Then I got pregnant and sick with my gall bladder. By the time I had surgery to remove the gall bladder it was nine months after my baby was born. When I found I could eat without pain, I ate. And ate. And ate. It was like I was on auto-pilot with food. On top of that, by then I had two small children and was in a bad marriage so I put dieting at the bottom of the list.

Eight years after my gall bladder removal my marriage broke up. I lost 15lbs without even blinking an eye! I felt confidant and finally in control of my life. I kept steadily losing little bits of weight until my boyfriend moved in with me two years ago. I went from 133lbs to 169lbs in seven months. For the first time in my life, I couldn't properly reach around to clean myself after using the bathroom. How humiliating. I know these weights don't seem huge - but remember I'm under five feet tall.

I found Martha Beck's book during the summer of 2008 and dug right in. Again, the issue of emotional eating was the core of the book. I now understand that I need to re-wire my brain. I have been using food to comfort myself and it's time to stop.

I will probably re-read her book, but for now I'll make the little changes of:

1. enjoying every bite of food, no more eating unconsciously
2. reminding myself that I'm looking for comfort if I'm eating when I'm not hungry
3. moving more - even if it's just a little bit

I can do this. I can make the changes in my life to finally be free of the addiction of overeating. It is possible.