Another fat summer

Summer is finally here and yes, I feel fat.

So far this summer has been a bit chilly so I've been able to avoid feeling like I could lose some weight, but here I am again wishing for a thin summer.

I have had thirty nine summers in my life and every one that I can remember I've felt fat or wished I had lost weight during the winter so that I could be thin. I have wasted each and every summer convincing myself that I look good in sleeveless t-shirts and shorts, and this year is no different. Today it's 27C (which is warm for here) and I put on a tank top to go out. I could barely look in the mirror and caught myself wishing I was thin. Again.

Each spring I start thinking about how I'd like to lose weight by summer. Each summer I try to feel as comfortable as possible in clothes that don't make me look too fat. Each fall I'm a bit relieved that it's time to wear pants and coats again.

I am so tired of this cycle. I have no memories of feeling good about myself in the summer. I have no memories of feeling sexy/cute/attractive in the summer. Always fat, lazy, gooey, saggy and gelatinous.

This year I have the added bonus of feeling really old. My skin is saggy, like it's one size too big for me. My knees and elbows have that sag of skin over the joint. My cleavage has a wrinkle in it. I have wrinkles between my eyes. My breasts feel like they are sacks of fat instead of balls with a bit of fat around them. My body is changing, and while I've always thought I would be ok with aging, it turns out I'm not. I want to be young again. I don't want this saggy skin, elephant knees and wrinkles. And I especially don't want the fatty boobs!

Somehow I want to break the cycle. Either to get in the shape I want for next summer or learn to accept me as I am right now for the rest of my life. I don't even know where to begin.