Self Image

I went to a bar last night with my boyfriend. His friend is the cook at the bar and had invited us out for dinner. The music was loud, the crowd young, and the atmosphere intimidating.

Let me start by saying I'm 39 years old. I don't do bars anymore. When I was 18-21 I would go but didn't like it much then either. I didn't like the way the people rated each other based on looks, and I never, ever felt pretty enough to warrant attention. Last night I was downright invisible. My poochy body just didn't fit in with all the young girls with their firm, glowing skin. They were all decked out in their tight clothes, make up and styled hair. There I was in a tie dyed, fitted t-shirt, jeans, super-short (almost buzzed) hair and no make up. I didn't look in style, or pretty, or slender, or young, or fit. I felt old, dumpy, matronly, gray, plain, faded, and invisible.

My boyfriend made a few references to women while talking to his friend. Things like telling the story of how our neighbor across the alley peed near her back fence (no idea why) and how he didn't know what she was doing until he saw her stand up and pull up her thong, then pants. He made sure to mention that she was hot enough to be able to wear a thong. He has never said I look hot in a thong, and as a matter of fact, he says it doesn't matter to him what underwear I'm have on. He pointed out to me that the waitress knew how to get tips because she had her boobs on display. Of course she did - she's a bar waitress! I really expect nothing different from bar waitresses. IMHO. He studiously looked straight ahead if he was caught looking at a young woman.

My boyfriend is a man that says he only sees me, but likes to look at made-up, beautifully dressed women. He tells me I'm beautiful and then comments on some woman's long hair, big eyes, long legs, dress, or height. I'm short, with short hair, no make up, small eyes, short legs and I wear pants. So...if I'm beautiful, why does he find all these other features in women beautiful? Never has he pointed out something about a woman that is similar to my physical characteristics. So how can he find me beautiful if his measuring stick is the opposite of me?

Somehow I've gone and chosen a man who doesn't actually see me. I have perpetuated my feeling of invisibility by selecting a man that might like my personality but will never see me as desirable as he does a young woman. I just don't measure up to a girl who's just barely old enough to go to a bar. All of my life I've felt invisible, ugly, fat, unattractive, stubby, undesireable, and plain next to everyone else. I have taken that belief and found a man to mirror it back to me. OMG - that's exactly what I did with my ex-husband as well! He always joked about leaving me for a younger, thinner woman...and he did! I was never physically good enough for him and I taught him it was ok to treat me like I'm made of cellophane. I thought I was looking for someone who would pay attention to me when I was single. What I neglected to realize was that first I needed to change my image of myself in order to have someone in my life treat me differently. Both men saw me as a person but would still turn their heads at a physically beautiful woman...making me feel invisible. First I need to see myself as beautiful before I can expect my man to turn his head at me instead of away from me.

Last night was a smashing reminder that I am in middle age. I am no longer considered young. There will always be someone younger than me, more beautiful, thinner, happier, sunnier, taller, more fit, and generally better than me, depending on my rating system. My older sister has been complaining of getting older lately and how she hates it. I thought I was ok with my age. I really did. I was fooling myself.

Last night I could see that I was thinking that if only I lose the weight, if I get more fit, if I have better definition in my muscles, if I have that flat belly, then my life will be good. Then I would be beautiful. I was thinking that I would be happy as soon as I've got the body I've always wanted. I thought I was done with thinking like that, but I suspect I only buried those thoughts and put chocolate on top of them. And what about the body I've always wanted? Somehow I haven't adjusted that image for age. I seem to have been deluding myself into thinking that I could still attain the body of a 20 year old. Not possible. My skin already looks a bit dry and parchmenty, the cellulite on my legs is starting to sag, my breasts sag, my belly is flabby and wrinkly from having two children. I will not ever have the body of a woman in her twenties. It's just not physically possible. Besides, is physical beauty the only kind of beauty?

Of course not. But I suspect that I've always believed that to be true. My own personal measuring stick has been how flat my belly is, how perky my boobs are, how clear my skin is. But it has never been enough. I have not once, not ever, had perfectly clear skin and felt I was not good enough to wear foundation. I have never, ever, had a flat belly, but also never persisted with the exercise that would help. My boobs are the mystery of nature. They are perkier than some, saggier than others. I wear a bra, that's all I can do.

Somehow I need to learn to love myself and find myself attractive. I need to stop looking to my boyfriend for expressions of how beautiful I am or how worthy I am. It means nothing if I don't believe it. And I need to stay out of bars :)