"Don't rock the boat"

Bobbie's Babbles is one of the blogs I read every day. Today I almost fell out of my chair when I read this in her blog:

"Middle children [it seems] are the peacemakers. I'm not so sure this was so much a part of my personality as a kid [although I hated to see anyone bullied], but as a young adult, I didn't like to see things out of sorts and so I would try to make "it all better". Over the years, peacemaker, for me, has morphed into the "giver inner" and the "lets not make waves" and the "don't hurt anyone's feelings" person. I've thought about this recently as it relates to my "food issues" and I think a lot of my EATING was due to resentment [can you relate?]. Because I didn't get what I wanted and didn't have the confidence to say what I wanted, I shoved down my feelings with food."

Oh. my. goodness. That's me! Well, sort of. I am also a middle child and also have fallen into the role of peacemaker. What I didn't realize was that it could have changed into those character traits. I very much try never to rock the boat. I am very much afraid of what will happen if I tell people what I actually want. As an example, it took quite a while for me to start taking breaks alone at work, even though I'd been wanting it for some time. Sadly, I will agree with people regardless of what I really think in order to not hurt anyone's feelings. But I didn't ever stop to think that I was eating these feelings away!

I've learned the one time I don't eat is when I'm sad, really sad. I don't want food at all and it is no comfort to me. But I do eat from frustration at myself for not being authentic.

Another example: I have a girlfriend going through a separation/divorce. She put hidden cameras in her house and a back door program on her ex's work computer (ok, she helps him run his business, the program was so she could access the work stuff from home to avoid seeing him or going into the office). She logged in to the computer to see him looking at porn in their living room while he was still living there. She also logged into the work computer to spy on her ex and capture his screen names and passwords. My first reaction when she told me all this was shock and a bit of happy surprise. Yes. Happy surprise. It is something I would have thought of doing with my ex as well. But after about five minutes of really thinking about it, I realized she's violating his privacy in a really big way and that's just not right. But I didn't disagree with her or express my true opinion on it. Instead I have allowed her to complain to me about all the porn he's looking at, the websites he's joined and his disgraceful computer viewing while he's at work. My urge to not rock the boat or offend my friend has kept me from saying anything to her.

Wait. I think I just figured something out. The only reason this is affecting me is because I'm allowing it to affect me. I don't have to be drawn into her drama. I don't need to go out of my way to hurt her by saying how strongly I disagree, nor do I have to read her Facebook updates. And I don't need to give my opinion unless I'm asked, and even then I can find a gentle way of saying what I need to say. This friend is someone who thrives on drama so I imagine we won't be friends after I disagree with her. But that's ok. I think friends like that might be toxic to me anyway.

Now I would like to figure out a way to still get what I want, express my opinion, not agree when I don't agree and speak up when I believe in something strongly enough. At the very least, I need to be more aware when I'm eating out of frustration for not being myself and instead being whatever the person wants me to be. That seems like a difficult but rewarding goal.