I made a chart of my weight

I did something today I've been wanting to do for some time now...I created a graph of my weight. My mom mentioned that she did this and even showed us during one of our Chubby Club meetings. I thought it was an excellent idea to track weight and was surprised I'd never thought of it. That is how my recording began, back in July of 1995.

I have 14 years of data, the first two years it was every week and then it got sporadic. The neat thing about the graph is I can see exactly where I've gained weight and how much. I was thinnest and happiest when I was focusing on me and taking time out for just me. When I included another person - friend, husband, boyfriend or child - I would eat and gain weight. Somehow I think I need to find a balance for including people in my life without feeling like I'm giving myself up. I don't even know where to begin doing that.

The two times in the last fourteen years that I've been thinnest is when I was walking and practicing yoga every day and the other was after my ex left but before my boyfriend moved in. I would walk alone, at dawn, and loved it. I gave it up when my ex left because my new job started at 4am. No more walking before the world woke up. I want to put that back into my life at some point. I keep saying that, but have done nothing to reintegrate it. Same with yoga. There was a local yoga show on every weekday and I loved it! I would tape it every day and follow it, so I got about a half hour of yoga in five days a week. I loved that so much! Then the show went off the air and I haven't found a suitable replacement yet. I miss it very much. But apparently not enough to find the time for it daily.

Then when I lived with just me and my boys I was thinner and happy. I loved having all the hours of the day to myself. I didn't eat when I wasn't hungry and I could just be me, without thinking about how others saw me. I don't know if I can explain this really well, but when I was the only adult in the house I no longer felt the need to alter my mood for anyone, think about how anyone feels or explain to anyone what was going on inside my head. I could do the things I wanted, like making a weight graph, without fear of ridicule. Not that I would be ridiculed, I just want to keep it private. I like having a whole private world that no one knows about. I like that I could do as I pleased. Why can't I while in a relationship/friendship? I have no idea.

Calorie counting for the first time

Well, I've been trying something new lately. I've been counting my calorie intake for the day.

I had never done this before, every weight loss effort has been strictly to stay away from calorie counting. I've kept track of portions according to the Food Guide, I've written down everything I've eaten, I've checked my intake against Weight Watcher's points program (average of 55 points in a day - eek!). But I've never actually counted a single calorie. Maybe because that felt too much like a real diet.

Now that I've kept track for a few days I can see why I haven't lost any weight. My intake has been an average of 2550 calories a day. Eeep! I do have a job where I'm moving a lot and lifting a lot. I'd like to say I've been on the elliptical a lot....but I haven't. Maybe twice a week. I haven't quite gotten back into yoga either although I want to. So now I know that in order to maintain my weight of 147 lbs I need to take in 2550 calories. Sigh.

The hard part is not beating myself up every time I see how much I've eaten. My mind keeps telling me that I'll always be fat, that I'll never lose any weight, that I'm stupid to keep eating chocolate, that I need to control myself and that I'm a failure. I know these things aren't true but the thoughts sneak in when I'm not paying attention.

I keep thinking back to 1995 and the Chubby Club. I had lost weight easily and slowly. Every time I would go to eat something I would ask myself if I'm really hungry for it. I was able to turn away from food and go do something else almost every time. I felt good and I looked good. I think one of the reasons I was so successful is that my ex husband (not ex at the time) was never around. He had a job working nights I think so he slept most of the day away. Then he wasn't around all evening so I could choose what I wanted to eat and when. And I didn't feel like anyone was distracting me.

Ooooh - that's a main point! I feel distracted with other people around me so I eat more - every time! At my break at work or at home with my boyfriend. I will eat more if I have other people around me. But I can't make everyone go away...sometimes that would be nice, but I know I'd be lonely. So...how do I do it? At work I can take my breaks alone, I've been doing that some days and I like it. But at home? How do I stop eating or stay aware of eating? It was easy when there were no distractions. Back in 1995 I had only my older son around and he was a toddler so I didn't feel as distracted by him.

I stopped paying attention to my eating when I got pregnant again in late 95/early 96. I was sick all day every day so I had to eat all the time and hope everything stayed down (it didn't, I threw up a lot). Then after my younger son was born I had forgotten how to stay aware of my eating.

It's time for me to remember how to do that, how to not give in to the temptation to eat when I'm not hungry. How to congradulate myself instead of insult myself. How to eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm almost full. I know I can do it, I just need to remember how. Time to go read Martha Beck some more.

Portion size and prettiness

I've been eating a fruit parfait and/or a pita salad every day now :) I forgot how much I really love fruit and veggies. Now, I haven't lost a single pound, but I am feeling a bit better overall.

The one thing I think I need to watch is my portion size. I brought my fruit parfait to work and one girl commented on how healthy it was. Her tone of voice wasn't exactly kind or supportive, but it wasn't terribly nasty either. After her comment I looked down and saw that my fruit bowl was about three cups. How much is a portion? Maybe a cup. I went out that day and bought smaller containers to fill so I wouldn't eat as much.

That's a funny thing, the size of a container. I used to have Rice Krispies with fruit on top for breakfast. I liked it so much that I kept increasing the amount in my bowl until I couldn't fit any more. The bowl is about three cups as well. Now I'm doing the same thing with my parfaits, and yes, even the pita salads. I've been packing them so full they burst apart. I must try to remember that I don't need that much food at one sitting. There is no need to fill myself to the point of bursting or aching.

When I wondered how much a portion was for the Kashi cereal I actually measured it out and put it in a dessert bowl. The dessert bowl fit the portion perfectly at one cup. I really think if I used a larger plate I would eat more as well. Isn't it strange that even though I know better I don't listen to my own body, instead I eat whatever is on the dish in front of me. Restaurants are terrible for giving huge plates of food and it's so hard to stop eating after one portion size is done.

I was cleaning out my photo album today as well and looking at old pictures of myself. I was thin and felt fat. Even my boys saw the photos and asked when I got fat because I used to be thin. My mom, too. She was my size around my age and now she weighs somewhere around 300 lbs! In the photos I hid my body as much as possible in order to be invisible. I wanted so much to look pretty and wear pretty things, but I felt ugly so I wore jeans and button-down untucked shirts with the sleeves rolled up. My hair was the same, parted on the left and all one length. A couple of times it was layered, but mostly a blunt cut. My sisters constantly kept changing their hair and here I was looking the same year after year. It was difficult to sort the photos by date because I didn't change my appearance at all. I had to go by old/new glasses, how soft my jawline was, whether or not I had breasts and what other people looked like in the photo.

In many photos I'd have a nice sweater on (usually that I received as a gift) with sweatpants or jeans. I wanted to wear skirts but felt like I wasn't allowed to look good. I must look ugly all the time. Where did I get that idea? Do I still carry it with me? Well, I don't wear skirts, I'm overweight and I don't feel like I should wear pretty things. What do I usually wear? Jeans and a t-shirt. Long or short sleeved depending on the weather. Sweats if I'm at home. So...a uniform. Just like when I was 8-17 yrs. old. I started wearing skirts again in high school, but stopped after I had my first son. I remember one damaging thought I had when my first son was still a baby. We were pulling up to a car show in the summer, there was a woman with her man and two children. She was wearing a white top and skirt. Her skirt blew up in the wind a bit showing me her white thong. I thought "moms shouldn't dress like that". I really thought moms were not allowed to wear a thong, skirt or sexy clothes. Where on Earth did I get that idea? And why is it so damn difficult to just change? If I want to wear something pretty, why don't I just put it on?

More veggies, please

I've decided to try something new. I'm going to do my best to eat a lot more fruits and vegetables.

In the past I'd come up with this idea but thought it would be too expensive to buy a lot of produce so I didn't do it. Also, I couldn't come up with any good recipes that would be satisfying. And, my ex would not have eaten it (although he didn't eat with me and the kids anyway) neither would my kids. Ok. Those are all just excuses. I had sort of tried eating more veggies before but got sick of the same thing over and over and over.

Eating way more veggies and fruit was partly because of what I saw on Oprah with Dr Oz. The guests on the show (living past 100 years) ate veggies. I didn't see any processed food in the backgrounds. One guy was eating a diet called Calorie Restriction, which involves a lot of produce, and that was the guest that had my boyfriend interested. He asked if I would consider a Calorie Restriction diet mostly for the energy that the guest said he found. I thought about it and decided that it probably wouldn't work. I mean, I eat for emotional reasons so putting me on a restricted diet that I didn't choose would just cause me to eat boatloads of chocolate. That and the idea of counting calories makes me feel like I'm not getting enough food which would also cause the chocolate overload.

Some time ago I read the book In Defense of Food which also prompted this change in eating for me. The main message of the book is eat food, mostly plants, not too much. So eat real food that you can identify (not chemicals and ingredients you can't pronounce), eat vegetarian (meat is a condiment not a main course) and not too much (pay attention to your stomach's physical level of fullness). All of this made sense, but it seemed like too big of a task to completely switch my eating habits.

So today I went to Safeway and bought every fruit and veggie that looked good. As well, I bought some nuts, pita bread and hummus. I recently read that hummus can be used as a spread - I never thought of that! For my after-work snack I had a salad in a pita with hummus spread inside. It was so good! And mostly filling. I'm hungry now, but it's suppertime. I have the next four days off work and I plan to see if I can change my eating habits for the better. I plan on having fruit for breakfast with a little bit of nuts and Kashi cereal sprinkled on top and a bit of yogurt. Lunch can be another yummy pita salad. I don't know about supper yet. Today I'm making stir fry.

What I'm hoping for is the ability to eat a lot more fresh fruit and veggies and less processed stuff. I will most likely be consulting my computer for recipes a lot this weekend :)

Weight loss plan

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about what kind of weight loss plan I want to follow. The 4 Day Win is helping to teach me strategies on how to stop eating for emotional reasons, but I still feel like I need some sort of plan to follow in order to be successful.

One thing that has me thinking is the idea that the way I deal with my finances is similar to the way I deal with my weight. Both subjects involve unconscious behaviour, both can be out of control and both relate to my emotions.

Three months ago I started a new budget plan that has been successful so far. I took a minute to note what was successful with my budget and came up with:

- I made a budget plan that is realistic and reasonable
- I recognized two weak spots and dealt with them right away, they were 1) get the credit cards out of my wallet so I can't purchase things on impulse and 2) always have a list when I go out and only buy what is on the list and nothing else
- I set up a blog about my finances (I'll link it another time) and have been honest about all entries. This helps keep me honest in daily spending, I know I have to report it so I keep myself in check.
- and I saw results almost immediately. I had set the budget up that if there is any money not budgeted or in excess of what I budgeted then it goes into the savings account immediately. That way I can see the savings build, literally by the penny.

So if all this worked for my budget...would it work for my weight? The single most successful thing I've done to lose weight in the past (successful? but I've gained weight since and never kept it off...anyway, I was able to lose weight) is concentrate on only eating for hunger. This concept was first introduced to me in 1995 with my family's Chubby Club. When I started I would ask myself if I was hungry before I ate. Every single time. And it worked. I lost 40 lbs without any major stress. I would just remind myself that eating is only for when I'm hungry and I would do my best to eat only what I was hungry for. But then I got pregnant and wasn't able to eat very well (I was sick every day of the pregnancy) and then my gall bladder came out nine months after the baby was born. Without the gall bladder I found food didn't hurt and I forgot to make sure I was actually hungry with each mouthful.

Then my ex left and I ate only when I was hungry. I lost 10 lbs without even thinking about it. I remember wondering why my underwear was so big - did it stretch in the laundry? - and why my bra had baggy cups. I weighed myself and found I'd lost weight without intending to. I was happier with my ex gone and had no reason to eat my emotions.

Ok, here we are now. I weigh 146 lbs which is close to what I'd weighed when my ex left. My heaviest was 169 lbs at Christmas '07, so I've lost a total of 23 lbs so far. That's excellent to me :) But I still want to get past this unconscious emotional eating thing. I'm tired of remembering after I eat to eat only when I'm hungry.

What I've come up with so far is to continue with mediation every day. Keep my head as level as I can. Also, I have been remembering to go to the place of the Watcher right before I eat. Sort of like saying Grace first. That way I can focus on what I'm putting in my mouth and how full I feel with each bite.

As a side note: I did the Watcher this morning with breakfast and felt almost full and satisfied after one packet of oatmeal and a half an apple. Then I went out to run errands and ate at Tim Horton's. I was starting to get really hungry but I knew not to order a whole whack of food. Instead I ordered one of their new snack wraps and a water. I ate the snack wrap while practicing being the Watcher. No problem. But as soon as I was done I craved more food! I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to eat more! I ate in my car because the restaurant was busy, but I knew if I'd been in the restaurant I'd've ordered some donuts or cookies. So why did I feel like eating after I was done eating? Every time I licked my lips I could taste the salt and the water quenched my thirst but not my craving to eat. It was so odd. I went on the rest of my errands and constantly thought about eating. My last stop was Safeway for milk and I sought out the Cadbury mini creme eggs and bought a big bag. When I got home I had six of them. Without being the Watcher or paying attention to how they make me feel. And now the craving to eat is gone. So, why didn't I want to eat after the oatmeal and apple? Why only after Tim Horton's? This is something I definitely need to keep an eye on.

Anyway, I will do my best to remember to be the Watcher every time I eat. That way I'm eating consciously and I'm questioning whether or not I'm hungry with each bite. This has worked before, but I didn't keep it up. I will also continue with meditation every day to teach my body that I will not hurt it and instead nurture it. That way my body will behave less like prey around my preditor brain.

I understand now that there is no temporary diet solution, it is a permanent battle (?) that I'm going to have to face. It's not like when I quit smoking and I was able to stay out of places that were smoking (everywhere is non-smoking now, I love that!) in order to help deal with the cravings. I have to eat. I must keep my body running. So I must be mindful every day, every time I eat, for the rest of my life so I don't become morbidly obese. Again.

More emotional eating

I've been looking around at people and am becoming quite discouraged about losing weight permanently. There is this woman at work who lost over 50 lbs....but has gained it back plus some. My boss was counting his calories religiously and lost about 30 lbs....and is beginning to gain it back. My sister is talking about a weight loss program that worked for her before...but is now at her heaviest weight ever. Who has kept it off permanently? Will I be able to?

This last week I have been depressed and so I ignored any exercise and ate whenever I felt like it. I lost a pound. Good right? But my fear is that I'll fall into the same trap as I have before. I've lost weight but as soon as I forget to keep it in the front of my mind I gain it back.

A good example of that was in '95 when I lost over 40 lbs without even trying. I'd read that book Diets Don't Work and understood that I was eating for emotional reasons. But as soon as I forgot to question whether or not I was hungry, and as soon as I relaxed into thinking I would be thin forever...I gained it back. Plus some.

I am working very hard on the Four Day Win and would like to change my thinking and brain connections so that I will be healthy and fit - without stressing about it. Is it possible?

I only crave it if I know it's around

I seem to be stuck here at 147 lbs. This was about the weight I was four years ago when my marriage broke up...and then I lost about 15 lbs without even trying. That's when I realized how truly unhappy I was in the marriage and how freed I felt when my ex left. Now here I am, back at 147 lbs. And really, overall I've lost 29 lbs since January 2008 when I was my heaviest at 169 lbs. Which is really good - I just feel stalled.

I haven't read much more of the 4 Day Win lately either. I've been avoiding being The Watcher and I don't want to move on in the book until I've actually mastered (or at least done for 4 days) each step. Since this one is vital to succeeding in weight loss I want to take my time at it. One other thing I've been reminding myself to do is tell myself that it is only a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to want to eat when I'm not hungry. Most of the time I remember but sometimes it slips by me and I eat anyway.

Like the other day I was at Safeway buying supper stuff and came upon the chocolate eggs. Ok, I actually sought out the aisle with the chocolate eggs. Anyway, I bought a bag and took them home and put them in a bowl. Then I sat at the computer and ate about ten before I realized I really didn't want them. And I didn't want them when I first saw them either. So why did I buy them? Habit. Emotional eating.

Well, today my son came home with a chocolate bar and I asked for a bit of it. He gave me one finger of the Kit Kat and I took a bite before remembering not to eat if I'm not hungry. So I threw the rest of it in the garbage. I didn't want it anyway...I only wanted it after I saw it.

And that is one part of Martha Beck's book that I remember disagreeing with a bit. She says to keep all your favorite 'forbidden' foods around so that you don't create a sense of deprivation. Ok, I can see that. But if I see it I eat it on autopilot. If I don't see it I won't necessarily crave it. And if it's not in the house then I have to think harder about the craving, so instead of just going to the cupboard and taking a stack of cookies, I need to really think about whether I want the cookies for hunger or emotion. And then I have to go out and buy them. At the moment there are no cookies, candies, chocolate or treats in the house and I don't feel deprived at all. I know I can just run out to the corner store and buy whatever I want pretty much whenever I want.

Maybe that's what I need to do: stop stocking the house with goodies for a while. Just keep them out altogether until I feel more like I've mastered being The Watcher and paying attention to hunger/emotional hunger. As soon as I crave them, I'll just tell myself it's only a chemical imbalance causing the craving and not hunger. It has worked a bit so far...maybe it'll work better if I keep at it.